Life? For Bill-last entry

Papa told me that Bill had visitors earlier in the day and they sounded like lawyers, and possibly friends or co-workers. He said Bill didn't talk much but the visitors tried entertaining him with jokes and war stories from their profession.

So, Bill was once a lawyer! I imagined him a dignified law partner in a thriving practice and was saddened to see how his body had betrayed him.

I wondered what bought Bill to that state and just how much was he able to understand or communicate.

How severe was Bill's pain? Who loved Bill and did they come to see him? If so, did he recognize them?

I sat with Papa for at least two more hours, and not one staff member checked on Bill, nor changed his diaper. Papa later said they didn't change Bill until about 9 p.m. that night! I was furious! I resolved to be very pro-active in Papa's care and I'd step in to help Bill again if necessary.

By the end of Papa's stay, he'd gleaned a little bit more information about Bill from the staff's open conversation. Once he was a prominent lawyer in town, who'd suffered a terrible stroke. He was divorced. We didn't find out how long he's been in that condition, or his prognosis.

But....................

Every night I say a little prayer for Bill, that God will watch over him. I also pray that my friends, family and I will never have to suffer like Bill and call it "living."

Walkin' In Daylight-Part II

It was one of those moments like when your mother reminds you to always wear clean underwear in case you're in a car accident! 

Dang it....I wish I had shaved my legs this week!

Long story short....I had to go to Urgent Care this afternoon.  But, not before I stopped by the house to shave my legs! (I already had the clean undies!)

Nooooo....I learned my lesson!  I will be taking a razor to those chubby white legs a little more often. 

Vanity....Thy Name is Woman!

Oh, by the way....the Doctor said it's "just a pulled tendon and muscles" and yes, it hurts like H-E-double-hockey-sticks, but I will live. 

He also recommended that I always have adult supervision when attempting something as difficult as walking!

 

Walkin' In Daylight

I am a pretty clumsy person.  I trip and fall....A LOT! 

Twisting my ankle is another pastime of mine!  I have had my right ankle in a cast 3 times in the past five years, if that gives you an idea of just how difficult it is for me to remain in a vertical position! 

But, today it was different.  I was just walking, in complete daylight.  Sunshine.  No gum in my mouth to complicate things. Your everyday, basic, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other kind of walking. 

It was lunch time, and I was heading to my car in the parking lot at work.  I passed Georgia, a co-worker who often joins me for lunch and asked her if she wanted to go into town to grab a bite to eat.  She politely declined and kept walking.

I stepped off the curb, and placed my left foot firmly on the asphalt.  Not too difficult.  Then it was time to place the right foot down.  Simple, right? 

Noooooo.  All of a sudden something in the back side of  my left lower leg snapped and it made a horrible sound.  I felt the snap and it seemed as if a rubber band rolled up into a BIG BALL at the back of my calf. 

OMG!  I thought..."Did that sound just come from my leg?  And....am I still standing?"  I tried to take a step forward and pain shot up to my tonsils.  This was not good.  Bodies do not routinely make such sounds. 

I hollered to Georgia and she ran back to help me.  She decided that she needed to see if I had any visable injury and gently lifted my pant leg.  What she got to see instead was my snow white legs, that hadn't been shaved in quite some time. 

 I was truly horrified.

(continued.......)

Creativity, Writing and Depression

Is it true that those of us who write, and bare our souls tend to be depressed?  Is writing an outlet that helps us keep our grip on reality, instead of plunging deeper into despair?  I think it's true for me.  Having noticed several journals that contained comments about depression, I wanted to share a little bit concerning the link to creativity and depression from the book, Sacred Sorrows, Embracing and Transforming Depression.  This book is a compilation of essays and stories by authors who have struggled with depression.  Below is an excerpt from On the Edge of Darkness, by Kathy Cronkite:

Whether I am trying to write, to express myself musically, or to act, the downward spiral into depression inspires and inhibits creativity at different points along the way.  As the melancholy begins, there is a heightened, though self-absorbed, kind of passion that allows the upwelling of those romantically bleak feelings that inspired Emily Dickinson or Gerard Manley Hopkins.  Here is where I write poetry, where I can identify with the sadness or anger in a theatrical part, where I walk through the night, singing in full voice old hymns or folk blues.  Here I feel most in touch with the deepest corners of my soul, and when I have a creative outlet, the junction of poetry and pain feels if not good at least satisfying.

But as the spiral continues down, I feel so inept, incapable, so hopeless that there is no point in attempting to create.  Anything I fashioned would be dross.  Soon and effort at all becomes pointless, activity slows, then stops and numbness sets in.

Why does it seem almost a given that creativity and madness go hand in hand?  Why are we less surprised by the suicidal death of a poet than that of a doctor?  From Van Gogh to Jean Seberg, some of humankind's most gifted artists have lost their battles with their inner demons.  As tragic as these losses are, still we ask ourselves: Is it their madness that imbues their creativity with genius?  If they were well, would their art still move us so profoundly?

Other News....continued

Ever the procrastinator, I waited until the last minute to figure out what I was going to wear to a co-worker's retirement party last night.  Not a good idea.  It's pretty bad when your fat clothes don't fit anymore!

By the time I finally found something that FIT, the party had been in progress for about 15 minutes and it would take me 20 minutes to get there.  I left a mountain of clothes stacked up on the bed after trying on at least 40 different combinations to try to cover my bulging belly and ample fanny. 

I settled on a long black dress and topped it with a purple jacket that covered both problems.  It worked.  I made it to the party having just missed the salad. 

After the frustration of trying to find something to wear, I have a newfound resolve to get serious about my diet. Starting tomorrow of course....because tonight I need to have some ice cream! 

Other News

I could tell that Papa was back-sliding into his previous depressed state, since he came home from the skilled nursing facility about a week ago.  So, Friday I went with him to his "primary care" Doctor. 

This doctor treats both of us, and has treated Papa for about 20 years so I feel comfortable "telling" the doctor the down and dirty truth about what's going on with him.  It's always beneficial and I have managed to get him extra help when I go along. I am not so sure that'd happen if he went on his own.  Papa grumbles that he doesn't want me to miss any more work, and says he doesn't "need" me to go, but secretly I think he really appreciates someone speaking up on his behalf. 

So, this time I got the doctor to prescribe physical therapy for him!  The doctor agrees that his multiple surgeries and general health over the past year has caused him to be very weak and lose lots of muscle tone.  

Papa will have to drive about 45 miles each way a few times a week, and that in itself will give him something to do, besides the interaction with the PT staff and the benefits of the therapy.  

(Other news continued next entry.....) 

The Passion of the Christ

The Passion of the Christ  was an absolutely incredible experience!  I am not big on movies or television (to the dismay of one of my buddies who has seen every movie ever made), but I was riveted by this movie. 

 I was reluctant to see it because of my sensitive nature.  But, Ab kept pressuring me, and a friend who'd seen it told me that when you cry, it's a "good kind of cry" like cleansing.  And she said...."Everyone is crying! "  The graphic violence that Jesus endured was astonishing and it really touched my soul and strengthened my faith. 

 I don't think I will ever forget what that man went through.......for us. 

There have been times when I have used that cliche' about something being "my cross to bear in life".........NEVER AGAIN will I say anything remotely close to that after watching Jesus carry that cross to the site of his crucifiction. 

Busy Week-Busy Weekend

The week blurred by and I disappointed Ab more than once with one thing after another that prevented us from having our movie date to see The Passion.  I hadn't checked my calendar well enough to know that each night was devoted to something important and I'd put the movie off day after day.  By Friday, she'd had enough and when I explained that we'd make the time this weekend she said...."Just forget it Mom!  I don't wanna go now!"  She remained in a snit until Saturday morning and I was filled with the appropriate amount of parental guilt.   We'll go today, providing there's no nuclear war, or natural disaster to stop us in our tracks.  I didn't put any mascara on, so I am prepared as I can be.

Friday night I went to a SaladMaster cookware demonstration.  I had never heard of the stuff before and was thoroughly impressed. The demonstrators cooked us an outstanding meal, void of seasoning,  water, fat or oils.  You could really taste the natural flavor of the foods.  He even "baked" us a chocolate cake, filled with vegetables, yes, vegetables, that he cooked on the stove top!  It was awesome.  I wouldn't have believed that it could taste so good, unless I saw it with my own eyes.  What a way to get the kids to eat their veggies!   So, since I am remodeling the kitchen, I just had to buy a small set, using my children's inheritance.  They're an old company with a lifetime guarantee, with no receipt needed for replacement.  As much as those pans cost, I figure the kids can fight over them when I'm gone!  God forbid they'd sell them at an estate sale!  The thought makes me shudder!

 http://members.cox.net/saladmasterdealer/page5.html 

So, when you're at yard sales, find some of that old SaladMaster cookware. It's worth a fortune! 

 

Visitin' My Fat Doctor

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands-and then eat just ONE of the pieces."

Judith Viorst

I hadn't been to my "Fat Doctor" in about a month and tonite was the dreaded appointment.  With all that's been going on in my life, I have really slacked off on taking my fat meds and instead.......Self-medicating with chocolate and any kind of sweets that I can put in my chubby cheeks, and I've r-e-a-l-l-y overdosed on carbs. 

So, I was up 2 and a half pounds tonight.   ::BIG SIGH::

Girl Scout cookies and ice cream need to be outlawed at my house........(would you believe I used to hate ice cream!)

Those people at work who can leave chocolate on their desks and have the self-control to allow others to finish it off, need to smack my fat, arthritic hand next time I reach for it! 

Maybe that'll teach me........ 

You know, I am quickly going from "plump" to "obese" and if was totally honest, I'd change that comment "somewhat chubby" in my journal's About Me description.  If don't watch it, I will certainly qualify for that bariatric surgery for those "100 pounds or more overweight!" 

Arrrgghhhhhh!!    

Am I just apathetic?  Like Dr. Phil says...."When did you decide to just give up on yourself and become that fat girl?"

I am sooooooo depressed....

Anyone wanna split a candy bar?  I need to build up my strength. 

A One Week Turnaround!

Papa is home after spending a week in a skilled nursing facility. I am grateful that his insurance allowed for that time because it seemed to have done some good. I believe he’s 200 percent better! Considering the shape he was in when he was admitted, we are elated with the progress.

They worked with his nutritional deficiencies by increasing his protein and caloric intake. He didn’t gain any weight while there, but he didn’t lose any more either. Due to his chronic pancreatitis and liver, "malabsorbtion" of nutrients and poor digestion is a real problem. So he has to take enzymes with every meal. He said they were serious about pushing that food. He’d just finish dinner, and the tray would still be on his bedside table, and they’d drop off a sandwich! Ab brought him a Snickers bar and he was elated!

One night, toward the end of his stay, I brought him some fresh guacamole and chips from Chipotle! He said he was too stuffed to eat it, but he managed to cram it down anyway! I knew he’d get weak and go for it!

The physical therapist worked with him every day. He had to climb a small set of stairs, maneuver an obstacle course, stretch big ol’ rubber bands with his arms and legs, walk the hallway on demand, etc. He soaked up some much need sunshine in their pretty courtyard and gardens.

He met with social worker who discussed his depression and encouraged him to start living again. Papa said he would start going to the local Senior Center for meals at noon!  He also said that maybe he could start volunteering to drive some of "those old people" to their doctor’s appointments!  PROGRESS!

He doesn't know it yet, but pretty soon his fellow Masons will be inviting him for lunch! :evil grin:  Yup, I contacted one of the head guys, who's taking the ball and running with it!

So, we’ll see where it goes from here. We’re going to light a fire under his fanny to keep him hopping!

Thanks to all for the concern and support!   XOXO