Blogger's Community Photo Challenge-Autumn

My old AOL journal friend; Marie asked me to join in the Blogger's Community Photo Challenge, so this is my first entry for the Autumn theme. This was taken on the Smith River, in Northern California at the end of August, just as the leaves were starting to change. This particular leaf caught my eye, due to the color contrast against the river's stone banks. I've entitled it, A Hole in My Heart . Some of you who read my journal may have already seen this in another post as I used it in an entry the other day. To the new people who may stop by to view it when I link it to the Photo Challenge, I say WELCOME! I am looking forward to meeting more friends that enjoy photography as well as blogging!

Lisa

Mother Merry Margarita says..........

Have a safe, responsible and Happy Halloween!!




"Many are saved from sin by being so inept at it."

~Mignon McLaughlin

The Illusion of Control

“We fooled ‘em again!”




As a young, fairly new and still naïve Correctional Officer, I headed out the prison’s main gate with my more experienced partner at the end of our 3-11 shift, when he uttered the words; tongue in cheek, “We fooled ‘em again!”

His explanation made such perfect sense to me in my career, that I’ve never forgotten the wisdom that he shared with me. He said, “You don’t really think we’re in control here, do you? It’s all an illusion. It’s like this…. the inmates let us ‘think’ we’re in control. Of course, any second, like someone striking a match, this place could blow!”

Perhaps we as new recruits were taught that concept during training in our academy; I really can’t remember as there was so information much pumped into us during that time. But, the real lessons came with actual ‘real life’ prison experience. In fact, our instructors warned us that the “old timers” would tell us to “forget everything” we learned in the academy. While that wasn’t actually totally true, as we carried our basic book lessons, correctional law, procedures and practical applications with us on the job, we really did get trained by the more experienced staff, and sometimes the inmates……on-the-job. Mostly with the inmates, it was trial and error. You know the “Hmmm…that didn’t work so good, so next time I think I’ll do this…or that!”

It was all a game. We acted “as if” we were in control and they let us think we were in total control. The smartest and most effective correctional staff were the ones who knew the truth. The least effective and most problematic staff were those who tried to “prove” they were in control, usually by force.

I don’t know why I was so able to grasp the “Illusion of Control” concept in my work and why up until now, I couldn’t see what was happening in my personal life. It seems so simple really.

In the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, she writes; in part, “Control is an illusion. It doesn’t work. We cannot control anyone’s compulsive behaviors. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone’s emotions, mind or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life.”

She continues, “People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel or how they are feeling; they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they are wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they are hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to and cooperate with us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.”

And, the part that really hit home….“We cannot change people. Any attempts to control them are a delusion as well as an illusion. People will either resist our efforts or redouble our efforts to prove we can’t control them.”

Arrrrgggggh! Why didn’t someone teach me that tool for my personal life a long time ago!!! Why? Why? Why?

The author then relates a story about detachment in which she heard some wisdom “out of the mouth of babes.” She said sometimes her youngest son, Shane, hangs on too tightly and too long after a hug. He starts tipping her over and she’ll lose her balance and then becomes impatient for him to stop the hugging. Then she’ll start to resist, even though she thinks he’s doing all this, trying to get her to stay close a little longer. One night, when her daughter witnessed this, she became frustrated and impatient with her brother saying, “Shane, there comes a time to let go!”

After all of the recent hard knocks, I finally began to understand that we all would like to think that we have total control of our lives. It’s all an illusion, really. We can only control ourselves and our responsibilities.

I’ve let go. I’ve detached. I have stopped the insanity of trying to control what is or is not going on in my household or with others with whom I am close, and it has had an amazing effect. Much of the resistance has stopped and as Tam says, “It’s like a dark cloud has lifted off our home.” Letting go and Letting God is my new mantra and life is unfolding as it should.

And…to think all this time, I had that ol’ prison guard attitude that I was “really fooling them” when in reality, I was only foolin’ myself!

Thankful Thursday

A few of the blogs I follow are participating in Thankful Thursday by creating an entry specifically about what they are grateful for, so I thought I'd play along starting today......

I am sooooo thankful for..............

1. A teenager ASKING and willing to actually work for some spending money today! Now that's something to be thankful for, I'll tell you! The bonus for me...the furniture is dusted, the carpet is vacuumed and the entryway is presentable for tomorrow's Trick or Treaters!

2. The teenager's handy-dandy boyfriend who just fixed two of my lamps that were cock-eyed!

3. The fact that the adult woman-child is taking more responsibility for her life and business, since Mom has lovingly detached! Who knew!? LOL!

4. My friend Chuck who inspired me to consider another way of writing.

5. My new Blog at Blogger, which is way better than anything AOL every did for us anyway!

6. Having one of my photographs published in the Capture Music City photo project! Foggy Morning on the Cumberland was one of 22, 619 photos submitted for the fine art, coffee table book, and my photo taken at my Tennessee condo was one of only 221 that made it to publishing! I am officially a "published photographer!" That's the photo above!

Life keeps getting better and better!

Just One Little Push!

Y'see, madness, as you know…..is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.

~The Joker in the Dark Knight



The Scream-Painted by Edvard Munch


Like certain songs that can imprint a particular event or time in our lives and hearing the melody will bring back old memories; my slips further into darkness can be tied to significant adult life stressors. You know the kind of stuff mentioned on the Holmes-Pahe Life Stress Inventory…the decay and ultimate dissolution of my teen marriage, the illness and subsequent death of my closest sibling, promotions in my career, FOUR TEENAGERS, more and more and more deaths of immediate family members, retirement, in-law problems, etc. I guess I just have never been very good at handling those things, despite some very heroic efforts on my part.

It was this last little push that put me over the edge into the darkest despair I’ve ever experienced. Madness. Pure and simple.

I was significantly suicidal and would have likely carried out the act, if it wasn’t for a small measure of guilt that popped up in my misfiring brain, which caused me to feel somewhat sorry for the ones who’d have to clear out the cluttered remnants of my shattered life. However, the other side of me; where the devil resides on my right shoulder-also took some wonderfully perverse pleasure in the thought of inflicting that overwhelming chore on those loved ones who currently don’t give a rat’s ass about their living conditions. It would serve them right! Hmmmm. What to do, what to do?

The reason for this horrific despair? Well, it was what happened AFTER another exciting episode this Summer in the ongoing saga of drugs and alcohol involving my offspring. Offspring as in plural. Suffice it to say that EVERY one of my children have some issues with substance abuse, whether or not they choose to recognize it as a problem. One thing I know. I have a problem with their drug/alcohol use/abuse, so I look at it as if they have a problem. Makes sense to me. As Dr. Phil would say, maybe to all of us, “How’s that working for ya?”

Long story short; Abbie nearly died of alcohol poisoning one night at a huge party we attended at Fly Boy’s house. I’m talking unconscious, not responding to pain stimuli, shallow insignificant breathing, etc. with a blood alcohol content of .227 at the hospital….after the paramedics, the ambulance ride and her mother’s desperate hysteria at the possibility of losing another loved one to death. But, according to Fly Boy and Fall Girl, it was the “embarrassment and humiliation” they experienced as a result of the episode that was the worst part.

I don’t want to discount my parental responsibility in this episode, and in hindsight maybe, considering her past behavior, I shouldn’t have allowed her to attend this party of over 100 people with free-flowing alcohol, food and good country music attended by family, friends and Fly Boy’s co-workers. However, never in my life would I think she would risk indulging in alcohol with me in such close proximity.

Silly me.

There again, my son…must take some responsibility in the matter as well, considering when it all came out in the wash…it turns out HE gave Abbie her first drink of the evening. In my book, a tacit….wink, wink……cool ADULT big brother move. A “just be good and stay away from mom if you drink” type approval. I dunno…I just can’t see it any other way.

So, it was the aftermath of this horrific episode that was the just the push I needed to plunge me into the abyss. Fly Boy and Fall Girl elected to “create some distance” between our two families due to the “toxic” nature of our relationships, my serious codependency and depression and a whole list of other stuff that they added to the mix, which included….. preventing me from seeing the one person with whom I experienced profound love and joy….my two year old grandson.

This was someone I saw on a regular basis, having bought a condo in Tennessee just so I could visit every 6-8 weeks. Since his birth, he was the light of my life. While my life didn’t totally revolve around him as I was pretty preoccupied with my own immediate problems, he played a significant role in keeping me sane as a result of my restorative trips to see and play with him.

I think they found it to be an intervention of sorts.

I found it cruel, unfair, heart-breaking and downright despicable. Unthinkable. Unbelievable. Unloving. Well, you get the picture, I’m sure. They did this while telling me what a great mom, grandmother and person I am, but requiring “change.” Unspecified change, without measure or specific goals for me to meet. What the HELL??

I probably I wore them out begging for something to hope for during our email exchanges as eventually they just said, “Refer to” Fly Boy’s “original email” and then all contact ceased.

As Marcel Proust said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes but in having new eyes.” As I crawled from the abyss, with the help of Al-Anon, I have new eyes and a fresh outlook on life. I am putting first things first. ME.

I am taking care of me and seeking restoration of my sanity. A new and improved reality that I am creating; choosing to see things differently with those new eyes. No longer am I the victim. No longer can I attempt to control what others choose to do or say, or how they see the world. No longer will I try to force my will on others. They can all walk their own path in life, despite what I think or feel. I am learning to carefully examine my motives, decisions and attitudes. Most importantly, I am learning to mind my own business and setting boundaries. I am forgiving others who have injured me and working hard at not judging others, lest I be judged.

I am finally coming to terms with what I can’t change and moving beyond the past episodes of my life that I nearly let destroy me. I am living, loving and learning with hope for a better life.

And…I'm praying. For the first time in my life…I pray, understand and seek solace in this prayer……………..

Everything but love............

“Ever’thing there is but lovin’ leaves a rust on yo’ soul.”
~Langston Hughes

Yesterday, a friend; who’s an incredibly gifted writer, suggested that I take some of the quotes that I collect and expand upon them in my writing by illustrating their influence in my life‘s journey or by sharing experiences that I‘ve had which caused me to know the wisdom contained in that quote. I think that in my writing up to this point, I’ve done quite the opposite in searching for a quote that fits what I’d just written. Today marks the first day of doing what he suggests and the quote above is one that touched my heart this morning while reading the book, Courage to Change-One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, a book of daily meditations.

My soul is weathered, rusty and insulated; struggling to break free of the corrosion, as if a mechanic were trying to loosen a rusty nut from an orange-crusted old bolt.

If we could compare the soul to iron or steel for example, the lack of love in one’s life, the.... “ever‘thing there is but lovin‘…..…like exposure to just air and water….will cause our souls to rust. And we all know that rusting has a number of effects on metal objects…it makes them weaker, replacing the once strong iron or steel with flaky powder.

Rust can slowly eat away at even the biggest piece of iron, breaking down once strong structures, leaving them with gaping holes. If our souls are like magnets, drawing the goodness of life and love to us, the rust will cause the magnet to not work as well. Since rust is an insulator, it will prevent the soul from conducting the magnificent electrical energy of love and zest for life.

On my spiritual journey, I am now aware of how the lack of love in my life has rusted my old soul. I am not just speaking of romantic love, but also the lack of love for one’s self due to a variety of reasons but mostly the overwhelming lack of self-esteem, deprivation of unconditional love as a child, or even fear-based misconceptions of a “loving” God. And…we can’t forget choices. The choices we make and where they lead us….many times away from love, the pure love and light that we are meant to experience on this journey called life.

My late Mother was suffering from her own demons when she brought 6 children; from at least 4 different troubled men into this world. Why would she bring that many children into the world when she had such a difficult time loving and caring for them? I don’t know. I don’t understand. I don’t know what caused that beautiful, but obviously insecure young woman to choose her path in life. But, now I have an idea.

In the book Conversations with God, authored by Neale Donald Walsh, God says “All human actions are motivated at their deepest level by one of two emotions-fear or love. In truth, there are only two emotions-only two words in the language of the soul.” He says, “Every human thought, and every human action, is based in either love or fear. There is no other human motivation, and all other ideas are but derivatives of these two. They are simply different versions---different twists on the same theme.”

I believe she was afraid. Maybe she feared being alone in life. She obviously didn’t love herself and she sought physical and maybe false “romantic” love as the answer. Time and time again she was thumped on the head with messages from the universe-often in the form of a demanding child and she just couldn’t see what was happening. I don’t think she ever tried to twist that tightly rusted nut on the stubborn bolt of her soul before she died too young at the age of 58, and that makes me sad. Very, very sad.

And, while I certainly had more than my share of a troubled childhood due to her poor choices, drug abuse and child neglect, I realize I can’t change the past. But, unlike my mother, I can have hope for an incredible future. I am working really hard to loosen that rusty nut/bolt and free my soul via self-improvement and expanding my consciousness on a daily basis.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, "The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others, but ourselves as well.”

I want to love others unconditionally and I want to be loved the same, for the incredible being that I am. I know I am not perfect, but I am full of perfect love that I will share with others and I will benefit from theirs as well, if they choose to give. And...I am not afraid.

In closing...so that you don’t think I have gone all mushy on you and that I've written something without even a little bit of humor, I will leave you with this quote from the movie Juno………..it’s the just the kind of unconditional love I am looking for…someone who thinks the sun shines outta my ass!!!

Wish me luck!!

"Every now and again take a good look at something not made with hands--a mountain, a star, the turn of a stream. There will come to you wisdom and patience and solace and, above all, the assurance that you are not alone in the world."
~Sidney Lovett

I feel most alive when I am at one with nature. Photography is my latest passion and it allows me to take a good look at all that nature can offer and teach us. It grounds me and causes me to take a deep breath and be thankful for this human experience as a spiritual being!

Wishing you a beautiful Sunday full of wonder and gratitude!

Remember…as far as anyone knows…we are a “normal” family…….

As I said…I am a certifiable rescuer. Just think of me as a “senior” member of the Rescue Rangers! And…I am fairly certain that given a burgundy cape….my favorite color…. and a sparkly, eye-catching tiara, I could save the world. God knows no one else is doing their part!



Okay, well a few others are doing their small part. Before Tam had to move home a couple of years ago, she rescued a cat that adopted her. “Meow-Meow” is a long-haired tortoise shell female with an attitude of infinite superiority, who was part of the package.

Lucky me. As if we didn’t have enough rescued cats already.

“Meow-Meow” made the 4th cat in our household….one too many according to the other three, who were kinda settled and relatively happy with one another. The three of them, Oreo; Abbie’s cat that Papa adopted for her before he passed away, and the baby boy “kittens” Grayson and Thorne…now 4 years old…that I rescued from the prison for Abbie as comfort just after her beloved Papa died; were doin‘ just fine before SHE was thrown in the mix.

Oh boy.

It was about then we started havin’ the pissin’ contests. ALL OVER THE HOUSE! On my walls. The new carpet, the new granite counter tops in the kitchen, and my new recliner chair that sat in front of the television in my newly remodeled family room.



It was about then that I really, really, REALLY began to dislike cats. I have vowed to NEVER own another one.




We tried drugs…..for the cats, not me damn it. We tried the special pheromone calming spray, and special cleaners, and black lights to find the areas when our noses alone wouldn’t lead us to the offending odors.

My reaction to their stress probably added more stress upon the cats and my family. I was going justifiably crazy.

Or crazier………

Whatever.

Anyway…it added to my continued downward spiral of my life being desperately out of control. I began to hate my cats, my family members and my house. I threatened to banish the cats to the outside forever, or God forbid…send them to the Humane Society to look for alternative one cat homes…much to the indignant protests of my daughters.

I gave up. I threw my hands up in surrender……..and then I had the brilliant idea of making the girls responsible for the cats. Their cats…their responsibility. I began to consider myself a genius.

The cats, when not outside were to stay in Tammy and Abbie’s room, creating the appropriate distance between the offenders.

And, it’s sorta worked. If anything, it’s relieved some of my stress and Tammy has become the crazed, neighborhood cat woman, with constant cat hair on her clothes, bed and bedroom furnishings. She’s very attached to the cats now and says she can’t live without their love and affection.

Works for me.

So, the point of all of this is to tell a little humorous story from last night…………

Tam and her friend Kim were busily putting on their make-up in the upstairs bathroom as they got ready for a big night out on the town, when Tam hollered downstairs to me and we had this exchange.

Tam: “Mom, do we have any Benedryl?”

Me: “Probably. I dunno. Why?”

Tam: “Uhhhh, Kim is really allergic to cats and she’s spending the night here with me----in my room----after we go out!”

Me: ***not raising an eyebrow*** “Well…I can guarantee she’ll be dead by morning!”

Right now I am thinking someone got lucky-maybe me- because it’s about 10:00 am and Tam and…… Kim….alive and breathing…..just walked in the front door saying they‘re heading to Denny‘s for breakfast after an exciting night of fun. They look like hell.

But….

It’s apparent she didn’t sleep in Tam’s room.

Thank God.

I would hate to have to deal with the coroner this early on a beautiful Saturday morning!

Deathwatch Yosemite

I call this Deathwatch as it just appears to me that the tree in front is on its last legs. Fire? Insects? Old age? Who knows? But, I found the beauty in its demise and used it as a focal point in this photograph!

Yosemite

This is a somewhat panoramic view of the Yosemite Valley. The photo doesn't do it justice as it's breathtaking in person!

Yosemite Photos

Recently, I spent a wonderful afternoon with a dear friend, who happens to know his way around Yosemite, having lived in the area for most of his life. This is one of the photos I took on my trip! If I can figure out how to post more in the same entry, and make it look good I will, but for now.... Enjoy!


"The wonder is that we can see these trees and not wonder more."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

When you’re spinning ‘round things come undone…Welcome to Earth, Third Rock from the Sun………



Oh the absurdity of it all!

I think it was about the end of June this year when I had the following conversation in the local meet and greet grocery store, with a dear friend; an alcoholic in recovery, who kinda gave me the first clue that maybe, just maybe… my life was spinning out of control. But, as a certifiable control freak, it all made perfect sense to me.

Him: “So, how are you? I’ve been meaning to call you about dinner……….”

Me: “Well, you’d better hurry because I am about on my way outta town for about 6 weeks! Yeah, we’re going to our vacation condo in Tennessee for about half of the Summer. It should be fun. It’s so peaceful there on the river and of course, I get to spend tons of time with the grandbaby!” ::Beaming::

“Tam is throwing a huge fit because she doesn’t want to go. She hates flying. And…any change to her routine…..OH MY GAWD! We’re all going to suffer for it.”

“But, I am making her go because she can’t stay home by herself. Who’d manage her meds? You can’t trust her to do it! And…she simply won’t eat. She’s skin and bones and you practically have to fix the plate and put it in front of her face. Maybe even lift the fork for her.”

“Seriously, she’d be dead by the time I got home. Really, it would stink up the house. I just don’t want to deal with that kind of mess. The cats are bad enough! Besides, I just finished the remodeling.”

“She’s beggin me to stay home…..wants to have the house sitter take care of her and the cats. But I said, “Hell No!” and that’s ridiculous because he’s her ex-boyfriend and Heaven knows that wouldn’t work! Can you imagine? So she’s going. Like it or not. Maybe she can get Dr. Feelgood to give her some meds for the flight.”

Him: “Ummmmmm. Lisa……HOW old is Tammy now?”

Me: “She’s 35!”

I believe he looked at me like I was nuts. Incredulous may be the best descriptive word.

Waaaahat? I thought. This is my kid we’re talking about. I am the MOM…she’s the kid.

Should I really be surprised he didn’t call about our dinner date?


Ok…so then there was this other time this past Summer……………

It was about midnight and my now 16 year old Abbie had just got home from hanging out with her friends on that cool night. As usual, I gave her the standard law-enforcement once-over, checking her eyes and breath. Considering the multitude of her experience in drugs and alcohol it was becoming routine on both of our parts. Having not smelled any hint of alcohol, perhaps because of the stench of nasty cigarette smoke emitting from her pretty mouth, I “let her go” and vowed to give her the handy-dandy home version, “pee in the cup” drug test in the morning.

Just as I was falling asleep I heard the angry screaming and the front door slam repeatedly. Ab was calling Tam every nasty name in the book, then going out on the front porch only to stumble back in, slam-the-beautiful-new-front-door-with-the leaded-glass-insert and have at her again. My GAWD girl do you eat with that potty mouth?

Alcohol. It had to be alcohol and I missed it!

My beautiful, but extremely wild Indian child can NOT do alcohol. With more than ½ Cheyenne/Cherokee blood coursing through her veins and an alcoholic Birth Mother, she absolutely CANNOT drink alcohol.

I’ve seen it from her before. Extremely Angry. Very ugly acting. Hateful. Depressed. Scary drunk.

So, I jumped out of bed and witnessed the most absurd exchange from my two girls, threatening to call the police if Abbie didn‘t calm her crazy self down, while Tam is trying to shoo me off to bed saying “I‘ll handle this!” Great. Just like the responsible adult she is! Again…Tam is 35 and Abbie is 16! Arrrggggghhh!

It seems that Abbie needed some cigarettes and asked Tam to drop them off to her at her friend’s house, in exchange for some of the marijuana Abbie has hidden in her bedroom. A swell deal for them both, I am sure.

But, as I know from 25 years of working in Corrections, there is NO DAMN HONOR AMONG THIEVES!

Abbie is screaming at Tammy for smoking ALL of it. Tammy is so “baked” that she can’t hardly respond, but says that there was only a little bit and she’s claiming Abbie’s too drunk to even know HOW MUCH marijuana she had left!

Having grown up with an alcoholic step-father, I know damn well there’s no arguing with a drunk. So, I continue to threaten to call the police on Abbie until she eventually realizes I mean business and I send everyone involved to separate corners..so to speak.

Once the drunk girl drifts off to sleep it off, I head to my room and cry once again. I think…….It’s all just so fuckin’ absurd. My life is spinning out of control and I just don’t know what to do.

And…that’s just a couple of the many situations that have caused me to seek help from Al-Anon.

The best part is…I am better. Much better now.

The girls? They are better too.

More later.

An Incredible Kindness

Recently, as you may be able to tell from my previous entry, I decided to join Al-Anon, which is a support group for family/friends of alcoholics/addicts. I will get to the dirty details in one of my future entries, but for now I want to share this from something I experienced at my 5th Al Anon meeting! I wrote this that night, but put it on my MySpace instead of my AOL journal.

It was an incredible kindness!



Tonight I attended my 5th Al Anon meeting!

I know this support group is exactly where I need to be right now-due to some incredibly painful family situations that have almost put me over the edge. Learning to let go of "control" for someone who's always been in charge, is a lesson that I am struggling with....one day at a time.

I truly seek the serenity of knowing that I can and should work on me and let those who are addicts in my life choose their own path, however distructive it may be.

Anyway, tonight during the meeting, I asked about how to obtain some specific literature that was mentioned and shown. I was told that there would be books available for purchase and complimentary pamphlets on display at the conclusion of our session.

I left my purse on my chair and headed around the corner to the display and was given a copy of the pamphlet I asked about, and began to check out the books available for purchase. There were two books that I wanted to buy to help me in my learning process. So, I asked the woman how much they were and if they took checks, saying I was sure I didn't have much more than 6 or 8 bucks in cash with me.

She disappeared around the corner to ask someone and upon her return she told me that they could only take cash. She offered to let me pay what I could now and return with the balance owed next week. That was a workable solution in my eyes! These are some very trusting people.

It was then that I returned to my purse to get my money and found that I had more money than I realized. Sticking slightly out of a section of my purse with my folded money was a $20.00 bill.

I immediately felt puzzled as I just knew I didn't have that much money when I walked through the door! Was I getting Alzheimer's? I was positive that I didn't have that money when I walked in but I gathered up my money and returned happily to pay for my new books.

I said to the lady, "Well, I guess I had more cash than I thought!" And....I happily left with my purchases. I truly believe that one of the women who was asked if "they" could take a check for my book selections, placed that cash in my purse tonight. (I have done similar things for others, so I am reaping the benefits at a time when I sooooo needed some loving kindness expressed to me and my hurting heart!)

You know...that was such an appreciated kindness. My heart is filled with deep gratitude for her kind gesture! I will continue to pay it forward!

Goodnight all! I am off to study my new books!

Blessings my friends! And may you provide someone with such a wonderful kindness at just the right moment!

Here's some quotes on Kindness!

"In helping others, we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us." -- Flora Edwards

"There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up." -- John Andrew Holmes

"Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind." -- Henry James"

Goodness is a special kind of truth and beauty. It is truth and beauty in human behavior." -- H. A. Overstreet

Motherboard Meltdown

The truth shall set you free, but at first it will make you miserable.

~Garfield




Hi. I'm Lisa.

If this were an Al-Anon meeting, this is where you'd collectively say, and say it with enthusiasm, "HI LISA!"

I am melting. Again.

For the past two days, my bruised ego and fragile psyche, which I am currently considering the motherboard of my emotions in my pea-sized, computer-like brain…….is dissolving into a puddle of molten hot tears, after bubbling to the surface with wretched, ugly, breath-taking sobs of pain, sprinkled liberally with the bitter taste of reality.

Reality bites. Hard.




In the book, Gentle Reminders-Daily Affirmations for Co-Dependents, by Mitzi Chandler, she writes…."There are many tears in the heart that never reach the eyes." She says tears are a way of expressing sadness and loss and they are meant to flow from us. When they are trapped in the deep pockets of our hearts, they form a pool and weigh us down. I have finally unlocked the floodgates. I know I won't drown, but damn it, I've been choking on that flood of emotion.

This is supposed to happen.

The very ugly truth is making me miserable. And…..the recent loving reality checks have caused me to sit up and take notice on my behavior and motives. All of this is meant to help me as I struggle with this business of life, working through my grief, to grow and change. Out of this grief, comes my salvation.

This motherboard meltdown has occurred after several weeks of riding the recent exhilarating wave of expanding my consciousness with the processes of recovery in my quest for sanity and serenity via Al-Anon's Twelve Step Program for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts.
Considering the fact that I'd been a long time advocate of self-help books, therapy and totally open to the concept that I was the one creating my own reality, it didn't take me long to whole-heartedly absorb the many messages of Al-Anon, and to excitedly put the principles to work in my pathetic, unmanageable life after almost crawling in to my first meeting about 8 weeks ago.

I had the proverbial "Ah-ha" moment. I was a sponge, soaking up the information and messages that hit my ice-cream padded home base with such force I was thinking I was FREE. LAWD ALMIGHTY, HALLELUJAH!!! I SEE THE LIGHT! I was working the program, using the slogans, most importantly minding my own business and changing, r-e-a-l-l-y changing.

Somehow, I dared to think that I totally "got it!"

WRONG.

My grip on reality was temporarily hijacked. I now recognize that in the past few days I had some scary moments of attempting to force a situation instead of "Letting Go and Letting God!" Al-Anon teaches that there is a natural order to life-a chain of events that God has in mind and my obsessive interference will disrupt those events and my connection with my own spiritual self.

Oh how I wish, that like a computer, I could turn back time and reset my "self" to a few weeks ago, when I was blissfully working my steps, instead of being distracted by my inner child's need for a Prince Charming on his white horse to whisk me away, where I'd live happily ever after. For a few wonderful days it was a safe haven, during my visit with that hard-fought and now weathered Knight in Rusting Armor; complete with a broken sabre. Someone who'd had his own recent spiritual awakening and was learning to live again.

Completely smitten, I probably could have stayed forever. He however, would have probably liked to ask me for a date first. Sometime. Maybe. Now I feel like an idiot. WTH was I thinkin? Clearly, I wasn't thinking at all.




God was showing me expectancy….the expectancy of good and wonder in my life. And….instead of receiving the message as a whole, I was creating expectations of a future, riding high on those incredible gifts presented to me.

But in reality, since I can't turn back the clock to a few weeks ago……I know I wouldn't change a thing. I am thankful and humbled by this learning experience.

Al-Anon has been and is now my anchor, stabilizing the rocky vessel of my soul that had been dangerously close to being sucked in the dark abyss after the straw broke the camel's back on certain strained family relations. The emotionally devastating breakdown of my most precious family relationships was in reality a necessary intervention. A huge gift.

It was a gigantic thump on my thick-head, which caused me to finally see the destructiveness that drugs and alcohol had played in my life since the earliest days of my childhood. And…most importantly…my role and contributions to the problems in our family situations and relationships. It hasn't been pretty but I am human.

I walk in to my Al-Anon meetings grateful that I am getting help with my problems of co-dependency. I know my growth and recovery in the process is going to take a long time. I haven't "got it" yet! It is just the beginning of my latest journey to self-discovery, self-love and managing my life.

Goethe said, "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." This recovery process is causing me to unravel, as I learn the how and why of my behavior. I must trust the process, trust myself, continue to heal, and believe that darkness will turn to light. Glorious bright light.

And who knows? That weathered warrior-who could actually be my Prince Charming-just may be there waiting for me someday.