Oh...Him Again

A couple of weeks ago, I ran into “Him” at the grocery store, AGAIN. It was about the 4th time in a 6 month period that we nearly crashed carts while quietly absorbed in the wonder of the vast assortment of cheese to select from in the cold case aisle of our friendly Albertson’s or while perusing Save Mart‘s meat section. Actually, this time I was coochie-cooing the adorable toddler grandson of one my Bunco partners; who I saw standing in the Express Lane, when he approached and wrapped me in a big bear hug!

I smiled in amazement at the odds of running into “Him” again in one of the two major grocery stores in our town, knowing there are really no accidents in this web of constant cosmic connections, but then discounted it with my rational side, thinking “Well, we’ve all got to eat!”

Me: “I sent you a card the other day!”

Him: “I got it today!”

Me: “Really! How about that!”

Him: “Hey, I’ve been meaning to call you about going out to dinner! How about this weekend?” he smiled enthusiastically. (I recalled hearing exactly that statement from him during our last supermarket encounter!)

Me: “Ummm. Actually, I am busy this weekend. I am going outta town! You know I mentioned in my card that I am going to Al-Anon now…learning to deal with things involving the girls…so I am taking a little time for me this weekend and visiting a friend up North! I am really starting to enjoy life and my retirement!” I said sincerely with a big smile.

Of course, I am not stoooopid-I didn’t mention that the friend I was going to see was my would-be Prince Charming who surprisingly had invited me back for a second weekend visit at his safe haven. And…I began to feel pretty damn smug that there were TWO men who seemed interested in my fabulous company in the same weekend and I was turning one down!) “Life just keeps getting better and better!” I said.

Him: “Well…How about next weekend? Let’s plan on next weekend. Will that work?”

Me: “Sure,” I said, “Give me a call!” He said he’d call, then kissed me on the cheek as we said our quick goodbyes and I walked away a little lighter on my feet thinking I was doing alright for a pudgy woman who was nearly 55 years old.

Feast or famine? It was my turn for a feast! You know…the…So many men…so little time stuff! I hadn’t felt this good since I paid eHarmony to send me tons of so-called “compatible singles” like dick, yes dick…not Capital D-Dick….just dick……that I could turn down without even a word. Just a click of the mouse and dick…….and his friends were gone! GAWD….how I hated the whole internet dating stuff and I’ve vowed to NEVER, ever do that again.

It was wonderful to consider that the two single men now sorta interested in my company were actually compatible in my book. I previously worked with both and we’d achieved the same success in our careers and we were all once extremely passionate about our work. It’s nice to have someone in your life who understands that part of you that can get excited about placing someone in handcuffs (get your mind outta the gutter), large riots and the aroma of OC pepper spray permeating from some tough guy in a holding cell, who’s now crying like a big baby because he’s been thoroughly doused for some bonehead decision he elected to make. Seems like we never grow tired of “war stories” even though we’re all retired now.

Both men are the type that know how to treat a lady and are easy to just “be” with in that comfortable, “old shoe” sort of way. They’re good conversationalists, well read, and good writers. They’re handsome, manly men with their own interests, who wouldn’t deny a woman theirs. And having worked in the same business, they can appreciate my accomplishments as I do theirs, and they aren’t intimidated by any of it.

I could rattle on and on about the merits of both, but my would-be Prince Charming reads this blog sometimes and he might get the idea that I kinda like him.

Nothing could be further from the truth. **rolls eyes**

Nope, I am keeping my options open and am relying on lessons learned about expectations. “Expectations are just future disappointments in the making” said my wise therapist recently.

While I would like to expect that Mr. Grocery Shopper would have called like he said he would, I didn‘t for a minute have any expectations that he would do so…. as he said that before. I also know that past behavior is an indication of future behavior. So when he didn’t call by Wednesday or Thursday to make plans for our dinner date this weekend…I made mine. I was busy, busy, busy and thoroughly productive as well.

It's Sunday afternoon and he still hasn’t called. Not that I thought he meant Sunday as part of the "weekend" anyway.

I’ve decided to take those cosmic connections in the grocery store as another lesson or… two….. that I needed to have reinforced.

I’m shopping elsewhere.

Motherboard Meltdown

The truth shall set you free, but at first it will make you miserable.

~Garfield




Hi. I'm Lisa.

If this were an Al-Anon meeting, this is where you'd collectively say, and say it with enthusiasm, "HI LISA!"

I am melting. Again.

For the past two days, my bruised ego and fragile psyche, which I am currently considering the motherboard of my emotions in my pea-sized, computer-like brain…….is dissolving into a puddle of molten hot tears, after bubbling to the surface with wretched, ugly, breath-taking sobs of pain, sprinkled liberally with the bitter taste of reality.

Reality bites. Hard.




In the book, Gentle Reminders-Daily Affirmations for Co-Dependents, by Mitzi Chandler, she writes…."There are many tears in the heart that never reach the eyes." She says tears are a way of expressing sadness and loss and they are meant to flow from us. When they are trapped in the deep pockets of our hearts, they form a pool and weigh us down. I have finally unlocked the floodgates. I know I won't drown, but damn it, I've been choking on that flood of emotion.

This is supposed to happen.

The very ugly truth is making me miserable. And…..the recent loving reality checks have caused me to sit up and take notice on my behavior and motives. All of this is meant to help me as I struggle with this business of life, working through my grief, to grow and change. Out of this grief, comes my salvation.

This motherboard meltdown has occurred after several weeks of riding the recent exhilarating wave of expanding my consciousness with the processes of recovery in my quest for sanity and serenity via Al-Anon's Twelve Step Program for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts.
Considering the fact that I'd been a long time advocate of self-help books, therapy and totally open to the concept that I was the one creating my own reality, it didn't take me long to whole-heartedly absorb the many messages of Al-Anon, and to excitedly put the principles to work in my pathetic, unmanageable life after almost crawling in to my first meeting about 8 weeks ago.

I had the proverbial "Ah-ha" moment. I was a sponge, soaking up the information and messages that hit my ice-cream padded home base with such force I was thinking I was FREE. LAWD ALMIGHTY, HALLELUJAH!!! I SEE THE LIGHT! I was working the program, using the slogans, most importantly minding my own business and changing, r-e-a-l-l-y changing.

Somehow, I dared to think that I totally "got it!"

WRONG.

My grip on reality was temporarily hijacked. I now recognize that in the past few days I had some scary moments of attempting to force a situation instead of "Letting Go and Letting God!" Al-Anon teaches that there is a natural order to life-a chain of events that God has in mind and my obsessive interference will disrupt those events and my connection with my own spiritual self.

Oh how I wish, that like a computer, I could turn back time and reset my "self" to a few weeks ago, when I was blissfully working my steps, instead of being distracted by my inner child's need for a Prince Charming on his white horse to whisk me away, where I'd live happily ever after. For a few wonderful days it was a safe haven, during my visit with that hard-fought and now weathered Knight in Rusting Armor; complete with a broken sabre. Someone who'd had his own recent spiritual awakening and was learning to live again.

Completely smitten, I probably could have stayed forever. He however, would have probably liked to ask me for a date first. Sometime. Maybe. Now I feel like an idiot. WTH was I thinkin? Clearly, I wasn't thinking at all.




God was showing me expectancy….the expectancy of good and wonder in my life. And….instead of receiving the message as a whole, I was creating expectations of a future, riding high on those incredible gifts presented to me.

But in reality, since I can't turn back the clock to a few weeks ago……I know I wouldn't change a thing. I am thankful and humbled by this learning experience.

Al-Anon has been and is now my anchor, stabilizing the rocky vessel of my soul that had been dangerously close to being sucked in the dark abyss after the straw broke the camel's back on certain strained family relations. The emotionally devastating breakdown of my most precious family relationships was in reality a necessary intervention. A huge gift.

It was a gigantic thump on my thick-head, which caused me to finally see the destructiveness that drugs and alcohol had played in my life since the earliest days of my childhood. And…most importantly…my role and contributions to the problems in our family situations and relationships. It hasn't been pretty but I am human.

I walk in to my Al-Anon meetings grateful that I am getting help with my problems of co-dependency. I know my growth and recovery in the process is going to take a long time. I haven't "got it" yet! It is just the beginning of my latest journey to self-discovery, self-love and managing my life.

Goethe said, "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." This recovery process is causing me to unravel, as I learn the how and why of my behavior. I must trust the process, trust myself, continue to heal, and believe that darkness will turn to light. Glorious bright light.

And who knows? That weathered warrior-who could actually be my Prince Charming-just may be there waiting for me someday.