Save the excuses. Just pee in the bottle!

On Monday morning, I was sitting at my cluttered desk doing whatever managers in State service do whenever they are not in the ubiquitous “meetings” of the unlike minds, when I received a call from the Employee Relations Office.

The cheery secretary said, “Captain, would you please come up to the office when you get a minute?”

Being the “glass is half empty” kind of person that I am, I immediately began thinking the worst. A call to the ERO’s office can only mean one of a few things, such as; a grievance has been filed against you, a subpoena with your name on it is about to be placed in your hands, you’re about to be walked off grounds and be placed on Administrative Time Off pending the completion of an investigation or ::gasp:: terminated for some transgression.

Swallowing the huge lump in my throat, I went for the latter, jokingly saying “You’re not going to fire me, are ya?”

“No!” she replied with a touch of laughter, “Just come on up here when you have a chance!”

Deciding that I couldn’t take the stress of anticipating what this summons was all about, I promptly bounded up the stairs and stiffly presented myself as requested. The secretary handed me a pen and said, “You have been randomly selected for Drug and Alcohol Testing! Read this and sign here.”

“Oh thhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaattttt!” I said, relieved.

Bring it on.

But all of a sudden, I began to feel conspicuous, even somewhat guilty.

Good God, I thought. I had a glass of Plum Wine last night. Alone. Purely for medicinal purposes I might add. I needed to relax my aching back.

I felt horribly compelled to share that information with the secretary, sorta like throwing myself upon the mercy of the court…… Honest, it was only one glass. No, I don’t have an alcohol problem!

Fortunately I came to my senses and I decided against spilling my guilty guts to this young office assistant. Nothing is sacred around that place. I can just hear the gossip now!

Instead, I’ll just wait for the test results! Lord…. it’s enough to drive a person to drink.

Thank God I didn’t take that prescription muscle relaxer that Tam offered me! J