Motherboard Meltdown

The truth shall set you free, but at first it will make you miserable.

~Garfield




Hi. I'm Lisa.

If this were an Al-Anon meeting, this is where you'd collectively say, and say it with enthusiasm, "HI LISA!"

I am melting. Again.

For the past two days, my bruised ego and fragile psyche, which I am currently considering the motherboard of my emotions in my pea-sized, computer-like brain…….is dissolving into a puddle of molten hot tears, after bubbling to the surface with wretched, ugly, breath-taking sobs of pain, sprinkled liberally with the bitter taste of reality.

Reality bites. Hard.




In the book, Gentle Reminders-Daily Affirmations for Co-Dependents, by Mitzi Chandler, she writes…."There are many tears in the heart that never reach the eyes." She says tears are a way of expressing sadness and loss and they are meant to flow from us. When they are trapped in the deep pockets of our hearts, they form a pool and weigh us down. I have finally unlocked the floodgates. I know I won't drown, but damn it, I've been choking on that flood of emotion.

This is supposed to happen.

The very ugly truth is making me miserable. And…..the recent loving reality checks have caused me to sit up and take notice on my behavior and motives. All of this is meant to help me as I struggle with this business of life, working through my grief, to grow and change. Out of this grief, comes my salvation.

This motherboard meltdown has occurred after several weeks of riding the recent exhilarating wave of expanding my consciousness with the processes of recovery in my quest for sanity and serenity via Al-Anon's Twelve Step Program for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts.
Considering the fact that I'd been a long time advocate of self-help books, therapy and totally open to the concept that I was the one creating my own reality, it didn't take me long to whole-heartedly absorb the many messages of Al-Anon, and to excitedly put the principles to work in my pathetic, unmanageable life after almost crawling in to my first meeting about 8 weeks ago.

I had the proverbial "Ah-ha" moment. I was a sponge, soaking up the information and messages that hit my ice-cream padded home base with such force I was thinking I was FREE. LAWD ALMIGHTY, HALLELUJAH!!! I SEE THE LIGHT! I was working the program, using the slogans, most importantly minding my own business and changing, r-e-a-l-l-y changing.

Somehow, I dared to think that I totally "got it!"

WRONG.

My grip on reality was temporarily hijacked. I now recognize that in the past few days I had some scary moments of attempting to force a situation instead of "Letting Go and Letting God!" Al-Anon teaches that there is a natural order to life-a chain of events that God has in mind and my obsessive interference will disrupt those events and my connection with my own spiritual self.

Oh how I wish, that like a computer, I could turn back time and reset my "self" to a few weeks ago, when I was blissfully working my steps, instead of being distracted by my inner child's need for a Prince Charming on his white horse to whisk me away, where I'd live happily ever after. For a few wonderful days it was a safe haven, during my visit with that hard-fought and now weathered Knight in Rusting Armor; complete with a broken sabre. Someone who'd had his own recent spiritual awakening and was learning to live again.

Completely smitten, I probably could have stayed forever. He however, would have probably liked to ask me for a date first. Sometime. Maybe. Now I feel like an idiot. WTH was I thinkin? Clearly, I wasn't thinking at all.




God was showing me expectancy….the expectancy of good and wonder in my life. And….instead of receiving the message as a whole, I was creating expectations of a future, riding high on those incredible gifts presented to me.

But in reality, since I can't turn back the clock to a few weeks ago……I know I wouldn't change a thing. I am thankful and humbled by this learning experience.

Al-Anon has been and is now my anchor, stabilizing the rocky vessel of my soul that had been dangerously close to being sucked in the dark abyss after the straw broke the camel's back on certain strained family relations. The emotionally devastating breakdown of my most precious family relationships was in reality a necessary intervention. A huge gift.

It was a gigantic thump on my thick-head, which caused me to finally see the destructiveness that drugs and alcohol had played in my life since the earliest days of my childhood. And…most importantly…my role and contributions to the problems in our family situations and relationships. It hasn't been pretty but I am human.

I walk in to my Al-Anon meetings grateful that I am getting help with my problems of co-dependency. I know my growth and recovery in the process is going to take a long time. I haven't "got it" yet! It is just the beginning of my latest journey to self-discovery, self-love and managing my life.

Goethe said, "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." This recovery process is causing me to unravel, as I learn the how and why of my behavior. I must trust the process, trust myself, continue to heal, and believe that darkness will turn to light. Glorious bright light.

And who knows? That weathered warrior-who could actually be my Prince Charming-just may be there waiting for me someday.