Veteran's Cemetery Dedication on Pearl Harbor Day...

This afternoon, despite the dark and drizzly weather which seemed so perfect for commemorating Pearl Harbor Day, I headed half-way down the mountain to the Groundbreaking/Dedication Ceremony of the Bakersfield National Cemetery!

What an incredible, inspirational experience, to be sitting among over 1000 people, including Veterans from every branch of military service, who braved the very cold weather to witness this historic day in our community.



As a military band played the hymns from each branch of the military, the Veterans were asked to stand and be recognized upon hearing their particular service song. The applause was deafening! As a military mom and daughter, I was thrilled to be there among all of them!

The dedication site was encircled by hundreds of bikers who stood while holding American Flags throughout the ceremony!



Of course, there was a long list of dignitaries who spoke and gave thanks to those involved in the project, the ceremonial shovels, plaque dedication and prayers. Then, a lone bugler played Taps and finally the Honor Guard gave a 21 gun salute which concluded the ceremony.



This new National Cemetery is located near Bakersfield, California on 500 acres, in Kern County which was donated by California's historic Tejon Ranch Company. The cemetery will serve veterans and their families well into the next century!

The first phase of construction will include facilities necessary to maintain, operate and provide burials for approximately ten years. When this phase is complete, the interment areas will include approximately 4800 full-casket gravesites, 4000 pre-placed crypts, 4000 in-ground cremation sites and 3000
columabarium niches.



This is something that we've been waiting for for several years and it's exciting to see it finally coming to fruition.

Personally, it means so much to me as next Summer I can place my late father's urn in his final resting place where he belongs, among others from this area, who proudly served their country!

The picture below is of some of the bikers leaving the ceremony with their flags!

Crash............

Recently Cave Man asked me to consider my behavior akin to being a "Bull in a China Shop!" It certainly seems apropos in my recent reconnection and subsequent interaction with him and in my failing attempts to resolve those personal crises with others that I love.

Never did I pay much attention to anything officially deemed "science" but I am now getting a pretty good lesson in cause and effect, especially in matters of the heart. I am finding that while I am thrashing around with my emotions flailing, I am shattering the good china.

One baby step forward. Two giant steps back. Trial and error. Good intentions, without the desired outcome. Expecting an honest answer, but electing to force a game of tug o' war instead.

Needle-like shards of that exploding bone china are piercing my breaking heart as I face the music, and continually reexamine my actions, reactions and emotional responses.

In the book, A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle; he talks about that "voice in the head-the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions to accompany it" as the "egoic mind." He says it's called that as there is a sense of "I" which is our ego in every thought, memory, every interpretation, opinion, viewpoint, reaction and emotion. He says, spiritually speaking, this is unconsciousness.

As we well know, our thinking is conditioned by our past.....our upbringing, culture, experiences, etc. With that...the mind's activity consists of repetitive and persistent thoughts, emotions and reactive patterns that you will identify with most strongly. He says, "This entity is the ego itself."

My ego has been working some serious overtime. As Tolle says that egoic mind equals unconsciousness, which in layman's terms means..... I've been a walkin' zombie lately!

It's been kindly pointed out that I've lost my previous sense of calm, for which I was once widely known. Where is that self-confident woman who could direct her staff appropriately in any given emergency? The stoic Indian, who like her father in similar situations, could remain calm while batteries being thrown by inmates, were buzzing by her head? The same strong woman who was a Yard Sergeant-standing in the midst of hundreds of racially divided inmates who were ready to converge on one another for some stupid perceived slight-who'd make the correct decision for the moment, helping to diffuse the situation with just a pair of handcuffs promptly drawn from her belt for emphasis.

When she was married, my daughter would often be hospitalized for her heart condition and she'd insist on my calming presence at her bedside, preferring my company over her husbands at such a difficult time.

Where or where can that centered woman be? Or was she ever that at all? Was it all a facade?

Yesterday, as I rushed to meet my friends for lunch and running a few minutes late as usual, I arrived at the table on the verge of tears, as a wave of emotion bubbled to the surface. One of the ladies said, "Lisa, You are shaking. Sit down and breathe!"

My trigger? Memories associated with about 3 different songs I heard on the radio while getting ready for the luncheon. I couldn't shake the effects of whatever screenplay was playing in my head! Christmas...wanting it all to go away! Then a fleeting moment of wanting to end it all...yeah, that again.

Where is that calm woman now? She's been perceived as poking, prodding and pushing and while it's the truth, it greatly effects the ego mind. Is she really not on that spiritual path as she professes or did she just have a temporary derailment?

Or, is it better to be a little more compassionate with myself and say in my defense...it's only been a few months since I earnestly began this trip of self-discovery. It may be different method than what some have chosen, but I would like to think it's working...to some extent.

Is it fair to say that I am just now seeing what an incredibly flawed human I really am? I have so very far to go to find that peace and calm again, especially knowing that I may have caused irreparable harm to at least one relationship that meant so much to me.

Nothing remains the same. So, it's back to the drawing board, one day, one minute, one second at a time.

Please send me a few prayers, will ya?

Work it!

So what if my birthday was TWO days ago?

Where does it say that you can only celebrate it for one day? I am working it for as long as I can! I am making up for all those times when I was a kid, who just happened to have the terrible misfortune of having a birthday in December and I'd receive a single gift from someone who'd say, "Here. This is your Birthday and Christmas present!"

Oh...NO! Don't even think about trying that crap now! I will milk this birthday for all it's worth..even if it takes all month!

Today it was lunch and dessert with a couple lady friends downtown, at the new Mediterranean restaurant. I don't think I like Mediterranean food. But I was really grateful for the opportunity to try it.

Tonight it was dinner and dessert with another friend, where I ran into lots of folks I knew and decided to "mention" I was celebrating my birthday. I managed to get lots of nice hugs ...and God Knows..I need all of the hugs I can get right about now. Some days it's really good to be me!

In other news...........

While checking out Brandi's Excess Baggage, I noticed she'd answered these questions, often posed to guests appearing on Inside the Actor's Studio by that extremely dry host, James Lipton. How dry is James Lipton you ask?

Well, how can anyone sit next to someone who I consider a comedic genius (or a raving lunatic) like Robin Williams, who is answering these questions with total nonsense and NOT even crack a smile!



That's damn dry. I don't think I like James Lipton very much.

Anyway, not only is Brandi's blog entertaining, it's also educational as I learned all about how these questions came about, via the Proust Questionnaire.

And...here we go!

-What is your favorite word? Love. As it says in the Bible.......And the greatest of these is LOVE.




-What is your least favorite word? I really, really dislike the word FART. I don't even like to type it! I don't say it and I don't like to hear others say it or hear them when they do the dirty deed! I dislike that word about as much as the word pubic. Gag!


-What turns you on? Kindness, goodness and a loving nature, peppered with an outstanding sense of humor!




-What turns you off?



- What noise do you love? Laughter! Anyone's heart-felt laughter!



- What noise do you hate? Anyone crying in pain! I'd really have a hard time being in medicine because I am very soft-hearted.




-What is your favorite curse word? Damn it! I find it very effective, especially when I am not using the phrase..... "That's just Bullshit!"




-What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I would love to be a graphic artist. I love the idea of pulling together words and images to create art to be used in web design, magazines or advertising.




-What profession would you not like to do? I would NEVER want to be a Mortician! I have a really hard time with sadness, loss and death. Plus I don't like anything that could be messy like that! Ick!


-If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?



"Come right through here Lisa, as there's a special place for Mothers of children like YOURS!

Oh, and look... there's all those people you love who have arrived before you! Go on, run and give them all a BIG hug, they've been waiting quite awhile!

By the way...I have a note for you from TC, saying he'd like you to stop by his little slice of Heaven once you're settled in, because he has some really interesting people he wants you to meet!"

Just give it to me straight!

"Whoever is out of patience is out of possession of his soul. Men must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others." ~Jonathan Swift



One of the super-cool aspects of acquiring a new and ever-so- needed "family" backbone and following the teachings of Al Anon, is that I can finally speak my truth. I absolutely love the truth!

In most situations now, I can remain as calm as I once did when I was a hostage negotiator...with that "never let 'em see you sweat" attitude that was my mainstay.....back in the day.

Despite the fact that my blog is entitled, "Wearin' My Heart on My Sleeve," It's only been in the past five years or so, that I became able to "share" my feelings...and granted, not always in a healthy way.

When one continues to bite their tongue, or is frantically stuffing down anger, perceived or intentional slights, hurt and disappointments it can eventually rise to the top causing a caustic eruption, not unlike Mount St. Helens or it can sink to the bottom of the wounded soul, pulling you further in to the depths of the abyss. I have roller-coasted between the two extremes for a few years now, without knowing how sick I'd become, until recently.

Thank God I had my AOL journal as alternate means of expressing what was happening in my out-of-control life, because it probably saved a few of those close to me from seeing what could be that really ugly side of me when I finally decided to "let 'em have it!"

However, just for clarification and in my defense, I'd like to say that I was never intentionally cruel to others, rather.....when I did blow my top, I was expressing how I felt in NO uncertain terms and/or maybe setting down some boundaries or providing some much needed expectations...depending on the recipient, of course. I was damn good at it too! I had superb training! Working in a prison for as long as I did, taught me the fine art of providing a pretty dramatic "tightening up" whenever it was necessary!

But....the cold, hard, buried and sometimes slightly distorted truth can be frighteningly appalling to some. And..since it's my nature to be forgiving and understanding, letting by-gones be by-gones with an "Okay, I feel soooooooo much better now now that I've got that off my chest!" attitude, boy was I shocked when I found out that other people were keeping MAJOR scorecards.

I have mentioned in previous entries that we've been somewhat estranged for the past 5 months, due to a situation that ultimately turned into an intervention of sorts, where they elected to place some "distance" between our two families. I respected their wishes and did not make any contact with them, with the exception of a small bit of positive news, via email... like when I had my recent photo published. However, in the last month or so, Fly Boy has reached out via the telephone on occasion and we've had some chatty calls of relative unimportance. But, thankfully I did get to hear my 2 year old grandson's sweet little voice for the first time..in a long time... on Thanksgiving Day when Fly Boy called to wish us a happy holiday. I was in Heaven!

I felt Fly Boy had extended the olive branch, especially when he ended one call with "Don't be a stranger Mom!" to which I said "What?" asking him to repeat it for good measure!

As a result of the contact he initiated, I decided it might be a good idea if we could try once again to resolve the problems that were keeping us from enjoying a somewhat "normal" family relationship and I elected to make a move toward that goal.

So, I made the decision to travel to Nashville and spend the Christmas holiday, by myself in my vacation (condo) home that I bought to be nearby Fly Boy and his family. It's been my out-of-state safe haven, with a beautiful view of the Cumberland River and the icing on the cake is having my family about 15 miles away. Good for me, maybe not so good for them? I used to fly there about every 6-8 weeks until our unfortunate fall out in July.

Anyway, I recently sent an email, informing them of my plans to be in Nashville for 2 weeks, indicating I'd love to see them all, especially my newest grandson who is due to make his entrance into this world just any minute! I really just think that's kind of important. Apparently, they needed some time to mull it over as they still haven't responded to the email.

However, I raised a pretty good son, and he made the obligatory telephone call to wish me a Happy Birthday last night. It was all fun and games until I inquired about the dreaded... ::gasp:: EMAIL!

I could just about hear his head start spinning when he realized I was going THERE! I sweetly asked if they'd received my email about my upcoming trip, to which he replied yes, however they just didn't have time to respond. So....I bravely and very pointedly asked, "Well, will I be able to see you guys and the babies?"

His reply? "Uh...Mom, I can't really make any plans!"

Me: "Fly Boy, I am not asking for any specific plans. I am only asking if I may see you and the kids while I am there. I don't need to be invited to Christmas dinner, or Christmas morning, or any of your family activities. I am going to Tennessee to vacation by myself, I'd just like to see you all while I am there. Even if you limit that visit to 5 whole minutes."

Him: "Mom, I am getting ready to be deployed to Afghanistan and I am about to have a baby so I can't really make any plans."

Me-very calmly: "I am sorry Son, but maybe you have misinterpreted my email and what I am saying here now. You are sounding rather non-committal, when all I am asking for is a yes or no answer. You are holding the ball here. Again, I am just asking IF I will be able to see you all while I am there. It's really just a simple question. Yes or No?"

Him-clearly becoming irritated and frustrated: "Well, Mom..why do you have to cause all this drama? I am telling you that I can't make any plans!"

Me: "Well Son, I am simply asking for a yes or no from you. It sounds to me like you are not able to say NO, if that's the case. You are only saying you can't make any plans! There's no need to put anything in writing or in stone here as we don't even know when the baby is to arrive. So naturally we can't make any plans. But, am I going to be able to see you all, even for 5 minutes while I am there? Yes or NO. Are you saying I can't see my grandchildren or meet that new baby? Are you saying I can't see you when you will be leaving to a war zone once again in a few weeks?"

Him: "Moooommmm! Why are you making this difficult?"

Me: "Let's look at it this way Fly Boy. How about we put the shoe on the other foot for a minute and pretend you are coming to California for 2 weeks before you deploy to Afghanistan. You call me and say, 'Mom, I am coming to California for a couple of weeks, during Christmas vacation! I'd really like to see you while I am there!'

But then I say....'I really can't make any commitments son! I've got some important things going on right now, so really, I can't make any plans!' JUST HOW WOULD THAT FEEL? Wouldn't you think that I was being rather cruel, especially since you were about to be deployed to a WAR? Wouldn't you want to hear...'I can't make any specific plans but certainly I'd love to see you while you're in California. We'll definitely work out something that will work for both of us!"

Arrrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!

And...so it went.

Eventually, he squeaked out a pitiful "Yes" but by then I was almost too tired to make reservations for my flight.

(If this were an Al Anon meeting, I'd stop right here and thank you for letting me "share"! We use that word a lot!)

Right about now, I'd really like to break off a piece of my sturdy new backbone and help him put it in place! ::grin::

God love 'em!

Fifty-Five Plus One!

This morning I took Ab to school in my.....well, actually Papa's bathrobe, that I inherited. He didn't actually bequeath it to me as in...I hereby leave my daughter Lisa my extremely comfy, and slightly costly bathrobe....in the will, but I claimed it as mine when we started divvying up his stuff a few years ago.

I love my father's bathrobe because it's thick, dark terry cloth, very warm, and when I wear it I feel like I've been wrapped in his arms and I am getting a big ol' bear hug. Not that he was ever the huggy type anyway, but I assume now that he's on the "other side" that he has seen the error of his ways, has had a serious change of heart and is now sending me some comforting love via his old bathrobe.

Ab jumped in the car, still half asleep and didn't even notice my funky bedroom attire until I pointed it out, saying that "when you are 55 you can start doing that really bizarre stuff and blame it on being old!" What she didn't know is....I actually did it on purpose and will do it again if I am not stopped! Because.....I can still get some really perverse pleasure out of annoying the bejeezus out of my nearly 17 year old child, considering the mountains of grief she's given me in the past few years!

Yeah, and I am also looking forward to the day when I can be a real problem to my precious offspring. An example escapes me at the moment, but let's just say they've all got it coming!

It's just good clean family fun!

Thankful Thursday

Well, since today is my 55th birthday, I have so much for which to be thankful.

I will start by being thankful to have reached this milestone, when so many of my friends, family and co-workers did not have the opportunity to celebrate this age. It is especially meaningful since two of my sisters died of cancer, when they were just 39 years old. As both my sisters left children behind, I am grateful that my own children have not suffered the losses that their cousins have experienced by losing their mother.

Of course I am dearly thankful for my family and friends, including my online friends, who made this day special, by a card, email, blog comment or a comment on my MySpace page! And...I am especially thankful for my daughter's boyfriend, who presented me with the most touching card that read...Because You're Like a Mother to Me...I will always be grateful to you for taking me into your heart...you share so much of your time, your wisdom and yourself, and I hope you know how very special you'll always be to me...how very much you are loved! Happy Birthday! That meant so much to me today! Here's a picture of us tonight at dinner! Isn't he sweet with his goofy, tight-lipped smile?!



I am grateful for my excellent health and I do not take it for granted, knowing the significant health issues of many others that I love, including my 35 year old daughter's continuing heart problems.

Where would I be right now if it weren't for Al Anon? There was a point a few months ago where I wasn't interested in living to see this birthday. Now, I am so very grateful for this program as it restored my fragile sanity, when it was at its lowest point ever. Through Al Anon, I've gained a better understanding of the disease of alcoholism/addiction and its effects on the entire family. I've also learned so much about myself and the how I was affected, being the biological child of an alcoholic and raised by an alcoholic step-father. Most importantly, because of this program, I am learning to take care of myself spiritually, instead of desperately trying to control every aspect of my uncontrollable little piece of the world.

And...I am thankful that this day is done!

Goodnight all!

It's a Girl!

It was on this day, in December 1953 that Kelly, as she would first be named, was born a healthy and pink, 8 pound baby girl at the Florence Crittenton Home for unwed mothers, in the city of Los Angeles. The birth came about 5 weeks after Kelly's mother, a very troubled, but beautiful teen named Diana turned 17 years old.

It was a time reminiscent of the television show Happy Days; high school sock hops with pink poodle skirts, rock and roll music, The Ed Sullivan Show and Elvis Presley's provocative hips.

And, there was the handsome, olive-skinned boy; a new arrival from Oklahoma that caught Diana's eye as she watched him flipping hamburgers at The Clock Drive-In, a local "hot spot" that she and her girlfriends would frequent. That young man who worked so hard to disguise his Okie drawl, would father her child; conceived in the back seat of his "souped-up '47 Ford."

Diana's mother would later describe her only child as "promiscuous" and she told a story of taking a Lolita-like Diana to the psychiatrist, only to later find that she'd seduced the Doctor. Sighing, she then said that she sometimes thought she brought the "wrong child" home from the hospital back in 1936, but in her heart she knew otherwise.

She said it was easy for her to see herself in her beautiful baby granddaughter's sparkling green eyes, that were nearly identical to her own. There was no denying the genetic connection, as much as she would have liked to distance herself from her daughter's shameful unplanned pregnancy and ongoing problems.

During the time that Diana spent hidden away at the Crittenton Home pending the baby's arrival, she went school and met with counselors who presented her various options.

Diana, with or without pressure from her mother, elected to place the yet unnamed baby up for immediate adoption. She was fully advised of her rights, including the fact that she could change her mind before the adoption was finalized when the baby turned 6 months old.

Kelly, as her new, young adoptive parents named her, thrived in their loving home becoming a happy, chubby-cheeked and extremely adored addition to their family. All was right in their world until Diana changed her mind and exercised her rights to reclaim the child that she'd given birth to 5 months earlier!

A few short days later, Kelly's extremely distraught parents carried her and all her colorful baby belongings in their loving arms, up the long walk to the front door of her maternal grandmother's home. With hot tears streaming down their faces and intense anguish, they returned their daughter to the arms of the teen birth mother who was a complete and utter stranger.

Diana named her Mary Elizabeth and nicknamed her "Lisa." The teen "mother" and daughter would remain strangers for all their days as a loving maternal bond was never established.

Shortly thereafter, in August 1955, Diana gave birth to her second child, again out-of-wedlock and............... the cycle continued.

The End....


sort of.




But....if it wasn't for this sad story...I wouldn't be here...so Happy Birthday to me!



Photo from December 2007

What did you say?

And finally, before I finally pull myself away from this computer and do something constructive like attend an Al Anon meeting...I ask:

Just what was Mr. Churchill implying when he said this??

"Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about."

Macro Monday

Gosh, there's always something to do here in Bloggerland! Way more than on AOL as I recall, while journaling there.

So, today I am playing Macro Monday, at Lisa's Chaos. It's another Lisa's chaos. I have my own, but we're different people with the same name. You may want to play along as well.

That's a closeup of a little tiny, tide pool of sorts which was on a HUGE bolder along the Oregon coast when I visited there this past Summer!

There's always something to see...even if you have to squint to look!

Oh, and thanks to June, who stopped by and pointed out that if you click on the photo, it will enlarge! That's a feature about Blogger that I didn't know! Thanks June!

Visions of Escher...

About 0430 this morning, I was awakened by an "Ocular Migraine" which actually doesn't hurt like a regular migraine, instead it's rather entertaining, if you can look at it that way! Pun intended!

Really!

If you keep your eyes closed, you get to see exciting black, white and silverish repetitive patterns which flash and change! They look like something M.C. Escher would draw, like his picture above......which I've slightly altered with the Xs because it was rather graphic and I didn't actually see nekkid people, so neither should you in my attempt to give you a proper visual aid.

Anyway, it's kind of like what I'd envision a trip on LSD while in the black and white part of the Beatle's movie, The Yellow Submarine!

I am not a doctor so.....

According to the experts...

Usually, an ocular migraine is not cause for concern. But ocular migraine symptoms can interfere with daily activities, such as reading and driving. These episodes, also called migraine aura or optical migraine, occur without a headache and are relatively common.

During an ocular migraine, you may see:

Flashes of light
Zigzagging patterns
Blind spots
Shimmering spots or stars

No one knows exactly what causes ocular migraines. In some people, it's related to eating certain foods such as chocolate, nuts, shellfish or artificial sweeteners such as aspartame. Others may have ocular migraine episodes brought on by caffeine or alcohol. Some believe that tension and fatigue are linked to this condition, but researchers have not found a consistent link.

It's possible that you may have several ocular migraine episodes in a short interval of time, and then not experience any for months or even years before experiencing additional episodes. If ocular migraines persist, worsen or become accompanied by a migraine headache, talk to your doctor to seek appropriate treatment for your condition.

End of the medical stuff..........................

Personally, I don't know what is causing my ocular migraines NOW. Probably hormones, or the lack there of. When it first began it was rather alarming becaused it happened at work, during daylight hours and I couldn't see, walk or drive. I am sure it was stress related at that time...why wouldn't it be? Geez.

But, I had all the proper medical tests to determine that the brain that I really do have-was in there and functioning somewhat "normal!"

So, now when I have "Visions of Escher", the first thing I do is check my CPAP machine.....




to make sure the breathing hose isn't wrapped around my neck....



and that I am still breathing! You can never be too sure, because with pretty pictures like that going on in your head...it's easy to think you may be in Heaven. And...I am looking forward to meeting up with M.C. Escher in my Heavenly real estate someday.

YES, in addition to being clumsy, I've got one of those things because without it I snore A LOT and then I STOP breathing about 30 times an hour, which is just considered MILD sleep apnea! Yeah, tell that to someone who woke up mildly dead!

Cave Man says that sleeping with someone wearing something like this on their face would be like sleeping with someone with scuba gear!

I don't think he's very damn adventurous!