Crash............

Recently Cave Man asked me to consider my behavior akin to being a "Bull in a China Shop!" It certainly seems apropos in my recent reconnection and subsequent interaction with him and in my failing attempts to resolve those personal crises with others that I love.

Never did I pay much attention to anything officially deemed "science" but I am now getting a pretty good lesson in cause and effect, especially in matters of the heart. I am finding that while I am thrashing around with my emotions flailing, I am shattering the good china.

One baby step forward. Two giant steps back. Trial and error. Good intentions, without the desired outcome. Expecting an honest answer, but electing to force a game of tug o' war instead.

Needle-like shards of that exploding bone china are piercing my breaking heart as I face the music, and continually reexamine my actions, reactions and emotional responses.

In the book, A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle; he talks about that "voice in the head-the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions to accompany it" as the "egoic mind." He says it's called that as there is a sense of "I" which is our ego in every thought, memory, every interpretation, opinion, viewpoint, reaction and emotion. He says, spiritually speaking, this is unconsciousness.

As we well know, our thinking is conditioned by our past.....our upbringing, culture, experiences, etc. With that...the mind's activity consists of repetitive and persistent thoughts, emotions and reactive patterns that you will identify with most strongly. He says, "This entity is the ego itself."

My ego has been working some serious overtime. As Tolle says that egoic mind equals unconsciousness, which in layman's terms means..... I've been a walkin' zombie lately!

It's been kindly pointed out that I've lost my previous sense of calm, for which I was once widely known. Where is that self-confident woman who could direct her staff appropriately in any given emergency? The stoic Indian, who like her father in similar situations, could remain calm while batteries being thrown by inmates, were buzzing by her head? The same strong woman who was a Yard Sergeant-standing in the midst of hundreds of racially divided inmates who were ready to converge on one another for some stupid perceived slight-who'd make the correct decision for the moment, helping to diffuse the situation with just a pair of handcuffs promptly drawn from her belt for emphasis.

When she was married, my daughter would often be hospitalized for her heart condition and she'd insist on my calming presence at her bedside, preferring my company over her husbands at such a difficult time.

Where or where can that centered woman be? Or was she ever that at all? Was it all a facade?

Yesterday, as I rushed to meet my friends for lunch and running a few minutes late as usual, I arrived at the table on the verge of tears, as a wave of emotion bubbled to the surface. One of the ladies said, "Lisa, You are shaking. Sit down and breathe!"

My trigger? Memories associated with about 3 different songs I heard on the radio while getting ready for the luncheon. I couldn't shake the effects of whatever screenplay was playing in my head! Christmas...wanting it all to go away! Then a fleeting moment of wanting to end it all...yeah, that again.

Where is that calm woman now? She's been perceived as poking, prodding and pushing and while it's the truth, it greatly effects the ego mind. Is she really not on that spiritual path as she professes or did she just have a temporary derailment?

Or, is it better to be a little more compassionate with myself and say in my defense...it's only been a few months since I earnestly began this trip of self-discovery. It may be different method than what some have chosen, but I would like to think it's working...to some extent.

Is it fair to say that I am just now seeing what an incredibly flawed human I really am? I have so very far to go to find that peace and calm again, especially knowing that I may have caused irreparable harm to at least one relationship that meant so much to me.

Nothing remains the same. So, it's back to the drawing board, one day, one minute, one second at a time.

Please send me a few prayers, will ya?