Open Range

When visiting Cave Man; a serious movie buff, he's been sharing his love of modern day films with me-one who's been mostly film deprived due to my former inability to sit still and quiet my mind long enough to focus on plots and subplots.

Recently, we watched Open Range, a 2003 Western, starring Kevin Costner, Robert Duvall and Annette Benning. The story follows Charlie Waite (Costner) and Boss Spearman (Robert Duvall), cattlemen who believe in freegrazing (allowing herds of cattle to move freely throughout the country, rather than stay on a ranch)and the problems they encounter with some folks who don't want cattle grazing the praries.

It was a great film and I now love me some Kevin Costner!

Did you know Kevin Costner sings too? Here's a clip of him and his band, Modern West, singing Superman 14 which is a very catchy tune and will quickly become an "ear worm"......you know, one you can't get outta your head if you listen to it over and over, like me. Take that as fair warning, but do take a listen. I think he's amazing.



But, I digress!

In October 2008, I discovered Cheri Block Sabraw's incredible blog, entitled; Notes from Around the Block, when it was featured as one of Blogger's "Blogs of Note." Cheri is a teacher at Mill Creek Academy, in Northern California which she originally founded as a writing school in 1998. I would love to attend her writing classes but I think I am too old now!

Anyway, she posted a great entry today about some cattle wranglin' taking place right there in her neck of the woods...the San Franciso area! Yep...Happy California cows in the modern West! It's a great short story and I hope you'll stop by and read it!

Giddy up!

What LOVE would do.............

I spent the last few days of 2008 and the first few days of this new year, with Cave Man in his quiet safe haven, watching movies in our jammies and just enjoying our time together.

He is now feeling much better; back among the living after dangerously depleting his body and brilliant mind of nutrients and electrolytes, coupled with his dismal and debilitating thoughts and the effects of two powerful antibiotics prescribed to treat a once out-of-control intestinal infection. While the antibiotics killed the infection as he remained on a total liquid diet as prescribed, the sugary liquids he consumed, helped the candida to flourish in his mouth. After some research, and as an antidote, he promptly stopped the sugary liquids, for only small amounts of water, which nauseated him to the point he stopped consuming even that. He was probably extremely dehydrated by the time I arrived.

I truly feel he would have laid there and died, had I not headed up there with Gatorade in hand for some immediate sustenance and a comforting, encouraging and loving presence.

In the book, Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsch; God says "Yea, let all those who have ears to hear, listen. For I tell you this: at the critical juncture in all human relationships, there is only one question: What would love do now? No other question is relevant, no other question is meaningful, no other question has any importance to your soul."

God says that this principle of "love-sponsored action" has been widely misunderstood-and the misunderstanding leads to resentment and anger in life. He says "For centuries you have been taught that love-sponsored action arises out of the choice to be, do and have whatever produces the highest good for another. Yet, I will tell you this: the highest choice is what produces the highest good for you."

God explains that the moment one decides the highest "good" one can do for oneself, it becomes the highest good for another.

Prior to me heading up North to be there with Cave Man he expressed concerns that he couldn't be as giving in our relationship as he isn't fully capable of doing so, since he continues to struggle with his mental and physical health, at this stage of his life. However, my decision to head up there was based upon what LOVE would do in this situation.

For whatever reasons, he and I are in each other's life right now...again...and I believe we are both reaping the benefits of the highest good in one another at this time. Whether he believes it or not, he blesses me in so many ways. It's really a win-win situation for us both.

I am home now, although reluctantly, as Tam had to make her monthly, "frequent flyer" visit to the hospital emergency room via ambulance, where I met her last night after driving 1 hour and 45 minutes to get there. Apparently the hospital didn't find her condition "emergent" as they checked her oxygen level, blood pressure, took some blood, then sent her out to the over-crowded waiting room filled with the assorted walking wounded, maimed and ill, with an extremely foul-smelling old homeless guy seeking refuge from the cold rain, thrown in for good measure. It made for some good people watching and the opportunity to do a good deed, by offering and buying the odorous old gent a 20 ounce soda to wash down his cold and petrified McDonald's hamburger.

After waiting nearly 5 hours, Tam decided she'd had enough and asked me to take her home. I shrugged and we headed off to drive up the mountain through extreme fog and rain. It's not like she left against medical advice as they really didn't want to treat her in the first place and I think they made their point. She made her point with me as well, as I too will rethink how much of an "emergency" she's actually having in the future.

But, again...I would like to think I did what LOVE would do in that situation, too.

Wishing you and yours a beautiful holiday!

I'm hanging out with Cave Man tonight. It's going to be a very memorable Christmas and we don't need no stinkin' mistletoe! ;)

Ohhhhh Santa Baby!!!

According to some, I've not been very good this year.

I have spoken my mind about things I think are really, incredibly stoopid....when I probably could have sucked it up and kept my BIG mouth shut. I'm sure it would have made for much better family relations and perhaps kept me from being kicked out of my DIL's top friends on her MySpace. So, for Christmas would you please consider bringing me an extra dose of self-control, so I can refrain from expressing my displeasure when people do or say things that I don't think are fair, kind, reasonable or loving. In exchange, I will let you decide who's been naughty or nice and you can handle it as you see fit. How's that?



Oh, and I want to again express my gratitude for last year when you allowed me to sit on your lap and hug your neck for that silly photo. What meant the most was the fact that you didn't even gasp or groan in agony when I sat down, and you said that you often had kids that weighed more than me crawl up on your lap. I didn't believe it for a minute, but that was really kind of you! In all honesty, I really don't care for candy canes so would you please consider giving us bigger kids something chocolate in the future? Well, maybe not because I am heavier now than I was last year and chocolate is my weakness. I think it became a serious problem about the time it was announced that dark chocolate, my favorite...is actually good for us because it contains lots of important antioxidants. I believe it was about that time that I tumbled off the diet wagon. If you'd be so kind, this year I'd like a serious dose of will power to get my weight under control and actually exercise a little more than just lifting the fork to my mouth!

And..if you recall when I sat there on your lap last December, I simply asked you for a man for Christmas. Why did you laugh? I didn't think it was such an unreasonable request, but you came through after all. Well, sort of. Anyway, I think I got a little too excited when all of a sudden I got to hang out with a real life guy....specifically Cave Man, after being somewhat, well extremely out of practice. Really, I am very thankful for the time I've spent with him, for our friendship and for the learning experience. I know I've got a long way to go, but if you could just provide me with a little more strength and courage to let all things in my life unfold as they should; I'd be ever so grateful.

I promise to be really, really good this coming year.

Lisa

Don't just DO something! Sit there!

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need advice. ~Bill Cosby

No one can ever accuse me of NOT giving things the good ol' college try!



Seriously. Ask Cave Man...I guess I about wore him out with my tweaked emotional reasoning and wishful thinking, over the past couple of months. So, of course I continue to think and reflect on my behavior, motivation, distorted thoughts and fears and look for patterns. If I were able to give a name to this particular little episode of my unfolding life, I think "Fools Rush In" would fit nicely!

However, I would like to think that little ordeal was more of a symptom of my unconscious thoughts and the fact that I've been spinnin' about like a shiny new Christmas top, than a true snapshot of how I'd normally handle things.

When I was a supervisor and a manager in my career, I made it my personal policy to never go into a new position with the attitude that I...experienced prison supervisor extraordinaire ....had to rush in and "fix" everything or change things for the sake of feeling like I was "doing something!"

Additionally, I strongly discouraged my subordinate staff from doing the same when they arrived on the scene; since corrections staff and inmates tend to get their panties all in a bunch when you inflict ANY kind of change on them! We so like our little routines.

Instead...I'd sit back, take care of the necessary basics, stomp out the fires without upsetting the apple cart and just watch for awhile. Simple. Logical.

Once I'd learn what was working and what was NOT working, or in many cases..utterly missing from the program, I'd get to the business of "change!" Slowly. Methodically. It was the best way to handle things and my staff and the inmates greatly appreciated that from me, I'm sure.

Why do I insist on NOT handling my personal life like that? I don't wanna overuse one of my all time fav-o-rite lines from a country song..but here it is again..... "When you're spinning round, things come undone!"

I used to say "My oldest child was born breech and has been making her way through life kicking and screaming ever since!" In many ways...that's a perfect example of ME lately. "Picture, if you will"..... LIFE as the Cave Man who's dragging the woman by her hair as she's flailing about and screaming! Picture perfect, I'd say!



As it's been pointed out to me, I need to find the calm and also avoid making any serious decisions for awhile. It's not like I was gonna seriously consider accepting a marriage proposal from anyone named Bubba, but I do get "it." I know I need to s-l-o-w everything thing down. Waaaaayyyyy down. So....I am going to retreat within a little more often. Hang out in my little cave! Meditate. Write. Read. Pray. Create. Just Be.

I asked someone to be my Al-Anon sponsor last night and I feel really good about that and her as well! Today we'll spend some time getting to know one another. I selected her as she seems to be the perfect balance of fiesty, no-nonsense and compassionate and I felt I could relate to her well. It's sorta like finding the right therapist with whom you can relate. She's also a 10 year recovering alcoholic and as a codependent member of Al-Anon too, she understands both sides of the fence. That really works for me. It's going to be nice to have someone who I can relate to in this recovery process.

And now? I am off to have an "ordinary" day. Quiet and routine. Just like us prison people like it!

Crash............

Recently Cave Man asked me to consider my behavior akin to being a "Bull in a China Shop!" It certainly seems apropos in my recent reconnection and subsequent interaction with him and in my failing attempts to resolve those personal crises with others that I love.

Never did I pay much attention to anything officially deemed "science" but I am now getting a pretty good lesson in cause and effect, especially in matters of the heart. I am finding that while I am thrashing around with my emotions flailing, I am shattering the good china.

One baby step forward. Two giant steps back. Trial and error. Good intentions, without the desired outcome. Expecting an honest answer, but electing to force a game of tug o' war instead.

Needle-like shards of that exploding bone china are piercing my breaking heart as I face the music, and continually reexamine my actions, reactions and emotional responses.

In the book, A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle; he talks about that "voice in the head-the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions to accompany it" as the "egoic mind." He says it's called that as there is a sense of "I" which is our ego in every thought, memory, every interpretation, opinion, viewpoint, reaction and emotion. He says, spiritually speaking, this is unconsciousness.

As we well know, our thinking is conditioned by our past.....our upbringing, culture, experiences, etc. With that...the mind's activity consists of repetitive and persistent thoughts, emotions and reactive patterns that you will identify with most strongly. He says, "This entity is the ego itself."

My ego has been working some serious overtime. As Tolle says that egoic mind equals unconsciousness, which in layman's terms means..... I've been a walkin' zombie lately!

It's been kindly pointed out that I've lost my previous sense of calm, for which I was once widely known. Where is that self-confident woman who could direct her staff appropriately in any given emergency? The stoic Indian, who like her father in similar situations, could remain calm while batteries being thrown by inmates, were buzzing by her head? The same strong woman who was a Yard Sergeant-standing in the midst of hundreds of racially divided inmates who were ready to converge on one another for some stupid perceived slight-who'd make the correct decision for the moment, helping to diffuse the situation with just a pair of handcuffs promptly drawn from her belt for emphasis.

When she was married, my daughter would often be hospitalized for her heart condition and she'd insist on my calming presence at her bedside, preferring my company over her husbands at such a difficult time.

Where or where can that centered woman be? Or was she ever that at all? Was it all a facade?

Yesterday, as I rushed to meet my friends for lunch and running a few minutes late as usual, I arrived at the table on the verge of tears, as a wave of emotion bubbled to the surface. One of the ladies said, "Lisa, You are shaking. Sit down and breathe!"

My trigger? Memories associated with about 3 different songs I heard on the radio while getting ready for the luncheon. I couldn't shake the effects of whatever screenplay was playing in my head! Christmas...wanting it all to go away! Then a fleeting moment of wanting to end it all...yeah, that again.

Where is that calm woman now? She's been perceived as poking, prodding and pushing and while it's the truth, it greatly effects the ego mind. Is she really not on that spiritual path as she professes or did she just have a temporary derailment?

Or, is it better to be a little more compassionate with myself and say in my defense...it's only been a few months since I earnestly began this trip of self-discovery. It may be different method than what some have chosen, but I would like to think it's working...to some extent.

Is it fair to say that I am just now seeing what an incredibly flawed human I really am? I have so very far to go to find that peace and calm again, especially knowing that I may have caused irreparable harm to at least one relationship that meant so much to me.

Nothing remains the same. So, it's back to the drawing board, one day, one minute, one second at a time.

Please send me a few prayers, will ya?

Visions of Escher...

About 0430 this morning, I was awakened by an "Ocular Migraine" which actually doesn't hurt like a regular migraine, instead it's rather entertaining, if you can look at it that way! Pun intended!

Really!

If you keep your eyes closed, you get to see exciting black, white and silverish repetitive patterns which flash and change! They look like something M.C. Escher would draw, like his picture above......which I've slightly altered with the Xs because it was rather graphic and I didn't actually see nekkid people, so neither should you in my attempt to give you a proper visual aid.

Anyway, it's kind of like what I'd envision a trip on LSD while in the black and white part of the Beatle's movie, The Yellow Submarine!

I am not a doctor so.....

According to the experts...

Usually, an ocular migraine is not cause for concern. But ocular migraine symptoms can interfere with daily activities, such as reading and driving. These episodes, also called migraine aura or optical migraine, occur without a headache and are relatively common.

During an ocular migraine, you may see:

Flashes of light
Zigzagging patterns
Blind spots
Shimmering spots or stars

No one knows exactly what causes ocular migraines. In some people, it's related to eating certain foods such as chocolate, nuts, shellfish or artificial sweeteners such as aspartame. Others may have ocular migraine episodes brought on by caffeine or alcohol. Some believe that tension and fatigue are linked to this condition, but researchers have not found a consistent link.

It's possible that you may have several ocular migraine episodes in a short interval of time, and then not experience any for months or even years before experiencing additional episodes. If ocular migraines persist, worsen or become accompanied by a migraine headache, talk to your doctor to seek appropriate treatment for your condition.

End of the medical stuff..........................

Personally, I don't know what is causing my ocular migraines NOW. Probably hormones, or the lack there of. When it first began it was rather alarming becaused it happened at work, during daylight hours and I couldn't see, walk or drive. I am sure it was stress related at that time...why wouldn't it be? Geez.

But, I had all the proper medical tests to determine that the brain that I really do have-was in there and functioning somewhat "normal!"

So, now when I have "Visions of Escher", the first thing I do is check my CPAP machine.....




to make sure the breathing hose isn't wrapped around my neck....



and that I am still breathing! You can never be too sure, because with pretty pictures like that going on in your head...it's easy to think you may be in Heaven. And...I am looking forward to meeting up with M.C. Escher in my Heavenly real estate someday.

YES, in addition to being clumsy, I've got one of those things because without it I snore A LOT and then I STOP breathing about 30 times an hour, which is just considered MILD sleep apnea! Yeah, tell that to someone who woke up mildly dead!

Cave Man says that sleeping with someone wearing something like this on their face would be like sleeping with someone with scuba gear!

I don't think he's very damn adventurous!