I've Gotta Have Faith.........

Never have I been accused of being "religious." I would say that I’ve been more of a spiritual person instead. My maternal grandmother probably fostered a lot of that thinking, as she was way before her time with her "New Age" ideas.

I was baptized in the Lutheran Church as a little one. I remember enjoying the ritual aspects of the services, and can still sing my favorite hymn…Praise God from whom all blessings flooooow, Praise Him all creatures here beloooooow……

We moved a lot, so we weren’t always attending a Lutheran church, sometimes it was one of those "hell-fire and brimstone" kind. Services at those churches often scared me into believing what they wanted me to believe. I often wondered if being "saved" actually turned you into a wholly different person. Back then, the very thought of more change in my life really frightened me. Besides, I was a well behaved, smart little girl and I was God-fearing. But my "God" was my parents, since I knew they meant business. I’d get whipped with a switch from the Elm tree or the razor strap in the bathroom. That was enough to deter me from veering off the straight and narrow. I can only remember one time that I needed to go pick out the switch.

As an adult, I haven’t been much into what I consider the confines of organized, traditional religion, rather, I strive to live my life in a very loving, kind, moral and ethical way. I have tried hard to believe in a "higher power" but I have doubted His existence.

My faith, or what little I had, was horribly shaken a few years back when my wonderful, loving sister Kim, (a 39 year old extremely good mother of two) was diagnosed and eventually died of a rare form of breast cancer, shortly after her diagnosis. Of all people, I felt that Kim was the last person that should suffer such a tragedy, since she’d had way more than her share of hard knocks in life. Kim’s situation caused me to question God. A loving God? What kind of loving God allowed things like that to happen?

I reacted by spiraling into a deep depression, and I began searching for answers. It was then that I picked up thebook, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Rabbi Harold Kushner. It all began to click. God didn’t "DO" these things to people. He didn’t sit up there and say, "Hmmmmm, today I think I will give Kim, ummmmm let’s see…Inflammatory Breast Cancer and let it ravage her body within a year. She’ll leave her two young children behind to be raised by their diabetic, disabled father and they’ll all learn what tough times are all about! Yes, that’s what I’ll do."

That book caused me to change my thinking and count my blessings, realizing that life is a journey and basically, we all face challenges and trials, and truly, lots of crap happens. Some of us are luckier than others and some folks have it roll right on by. I’ve certainly had my share of late, but I know of others who have had way more to deal with in their lives. God knows that Papa had more than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime, over the past couple of years and in his younger days, when he had Cancer and TB.

After seeing the movie, The Passion of the Christ, I became convinced that God was real. I wanted to believe, with all my heart. I had faith like never before.

But once again………….my faith is being tested and I find myself looking for a sign from God, or Papa….that all is well with his beautiful soul, that I will see him again, that life is eternal.

I am so sad and doubtful.