From the "Ohh Noooo Girl You Din't" files.....

Perfect love casts out fear.

~from the book, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson


Recently, I came across the “Least Said, Soonest Mended” quote used in one of my devotionals.

Maybe I should have paid better attention to that lesson.

I dunno.

I’ve mentioned that I can write waaaaaay better than I talk, right? Well, yesterday my fingers had a virtual field day of heart-felt, totally honest, yet extremely risky expression in a series of emails fired across the MySpace energy field. While I feel I was lovingly communicating, I guess the poor man didn’t know what hit him. I wanted to express how I was “feeling” and he wanted to retreat into a corner of the safe haven. I can’t help but remind him that what he doesn’t say speaks volumes. Stacks. It always has. We both are excellent at reading between the electronic lines. I just look stupid. He’s a freakin’ genius.

Perhaps, I said what needed to be said. It was MY truth, so that ought to count for something.

He said his past clouds his future, with worries of repeating the past and he worries as to whether or not he will ever really be able to truly be in another relationship. Which, I believe is the reason he always keeps me at arm’s length and frankly, it’s getting old. Could ya throw a girl a bone once in a while, I ask. Does it have to be this damn hard?

I love, (however I am not in love with) this wonderful man enough to be vulnerable, open and honest, risking my body and soul for that enlightened connection. It’s about loving someone for being the perfectly flawed human being they are and that’s what I ask in return. I understand a “spiritual relationship” isn’t all lollipops, roses and smiles. It’s work. Real authentic work, involving rigorous honesty and effort. I am ready for that and he apparently isn’t. We have lessons to learn in this connection. Maybe my lesson is to say, “I love you so much that I can end this (whatever "this" is), so we can both move on, grow and find that pure love that we deserve.”

In her book, Return to Love; Marianne Williamson says examining the past can help clarify many of our problems, but healing doesn’t occur in the past. It occurs in the here and now. Our pain doesn’t come from the love we weren’t given in the past, but from the love we ourselves aren’t giving in the present.

She writes, “We don’t get to the light through endless investigation of the darkness. After a certain point, the discussion always becomes circular. The only way to the light is through entering the light.” “People who have the most to teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits to our own capacity to love” she says, “those who consciously or unconsciously challenge our fearful positions. They show us our walls. Our walls are our wounds---the places where we feel we can’t love any more, can’t connect more deeply, can’t forgive past a certain point. We are in each other‘s lives in order to help us see where we need healing, and in order to help us heal. ”

Oh yeah. I did it. Who knows what's going to happen. Yet...regardless of the outcome, I will be grateful for all I’ve learned as my walls continue to come tumbling down and I seek the light.

I refuse to be afraid any more. I wish he could say the same.