On Love and Loss.........

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief." ~William Shakespeare

In the past few years, when I actually began to wear my heart on my sleeve--instead of stuffing all those unhealthy emotions down into the depths of my sorrowful soul--I've found myself in the sometimes uncomfortable position of having the floodgates open w-i-d-e. Think...Cry Me a River....as I've released a shitload of buried hurts, resentments, assorted ill will, and the biggest for me....grief.

Yes, loss.

I don't do loss well.

I am far worse at "it" than being a landlord. Much worse at it than being a parent of alcoholics/addicts.

Abandonment issues? I dunno. Could be. Yes. Now that I think about it, I am sure of it. I hate the comings and goings of people close to me. Is there anything worse than losing the people we love? The death of people, relationships, pets? I don't think so.

In most cases...my tears represent my profound sense of sadness or loss and I find that it's extremely cathartic to let go of what's troubling me. I actually feel better having released those toxins and from what I've read, it's considered "healthy." The good thing is that I don't cry because I am clinically depressed-anymore.

Obviously...all crying is not created equal.

There are tears of joy on occasion. Most recently they were when I got to see my grandchildren..although I did not cry in front of them or their parents! Sentimental tears, you know the kind of feeling you can get when the National Anthem is played and the American Flag is proudly waving.

Sometimes I cry because of sheer frustration and/or anger, usually when I have just automatically "reacted" to a situation. It's kind of my kick in the pants for having been so impulsive, irrational or blatant evidence of my sense of shame. Thankfully, I am learning to express my emotions in a healthier way as I've realized that holding everything in until one literally explodes is not a healthy way to handle things.

Trust me, I don't cry for sympathy.

I prefer not to have an audience when I cry because, I am...well, vain and I don't cry pretty. It's ugly; swollen running nose and reddened eyelids, snot-snuffing, mouth-breathing, mascara dripping, handfuls of wet tissue, and deep sobs-crying. I am often mortified when I begin to cry in front of others. I like the comfort and privacy of my cryin' room.

But, I have one other place that I feel soooo free to cry openly and without judgement and that is with my Massage Therapist, while I am on her massage table. Over the ten years or so that I have been receiving regular massages from this wonderful woman, who's now in her 70's, we've developed a unique friendship and a sort of a hairdresser/client relationship. She knows my life story, heartbreaks, and she's allowed me to cry through several deaths, literally and figuratively and she's seen me naked. Well almost..as some of me is covered with a little towel as she does her magic! I feel like you can honestly trust someone who's seen you that naked, that often and they've put their hands on you too! Oh, the things she could tell!

Last night she was at her therapeutic best in more ways than one as I spilled my grieving guts and tears over my most recent loss. The loss of a friendship and love, and I am responsible for its sad demise.

I went right, when I could have gone left.

Choices.

Sliding door-type choices.

I am grieving.