Wearin' My Heart on My Sleeve

Hellen Keller said, "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."



While I am sometimes amazed at the amount of suffering I've experienced from some jolting sucker punches and riveting hard knocks in my fleeting 55 years, I know that we humans have the ability to endure incredibly painful hardships and heartbreak and emerge from the circumstances stronger and more resilient than ever, if we don't allow our misfortunes break our spirits.

I recall seeing my 87 year old grandmother as she sat bravely at my father's side, quietly composed and watching her beloved eldest child as he labored for each breath as he was dying, a few years ago. Her strength, acceptance and coping skills amazed and inspired me and the other family members who were present at that sorrowful time. She obtained that courage and grace under fire, from enduring her own series of painful misfortunes and life lessons...stories of betrayal, survival and endurance, that she shared with me as I conducted a tape-recorded interview with her a few years before.

Her struggles, although in a different time and place, made me get weak in the knees as I wondered if I could have done the same, if I were in her shoes during those bleak moments and days. But, I realize now that I am cut from the same strong cloth as my amazing paternal grandmother and for that I am very grateful.

I have now endured the deaths of 9 immediate family members in the past 15 years, and three of those loved ones died in the last 4 years. In nearly every case, I wrote and delivered a eulogy at the funeral for those precious souls that I loved and lost. I don't know where I obtained the strength to write from the heart or to stand before my family and friends and speak through my profound grief.

But, I did.

And...thinking of that now, especially considering the life-shattering episodes I've survived lately....provides me with a certain comfort in knowing that I can handle whatever life throws my way. I am way tougher than I think. I am a survivor and in my darkest moments I must always remember that fact.

I wish the same for my children, especially my oldest daughter, to whom this entry is dedicated. Last night, she shared with me that she's having some serious concerns about the fragile health and eventual death of her elderly paternal grandfather. She recalls my father's death as "traumatic" as he was the first person, really close to her who died. She expresses her fear of losing me at some point in her life and how she feels she just couldn't deal with that eventuality. Despite the fact that she is almost 36 years old, she is child-like in so many ways. And dependent....too dependent on her momma.

I remind her that my death is inevitable and that she must face the fact that someday, she will have to live without me. She must learn to be strong and know that she can make it through life on her own. I recommended that she read Dr. Phil's book, Real Life, in which he says we can be better prepared to deal with what he calls the 7 most (common) challenging days of life, when we recognize and prepare ourselves NOW for the fact that we all will be faced with life's doom and gloom at some point on our journey.

It's taken me a very long while, but I am finally beginning to live my life with the wisdom this 19 year old college student named Veronica Shoffstall had when she wrote these beautiful words, back in 1971.......


After a While


After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn and you learn, with every goodbye, you learn.