Rita Mae Brown said.....
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
She also said......
Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
In the AA and Al Anon circles, there's a saying that is often used...which is basically, "Your best thinkin' got you here!"
My poor young woman child and her mother are both "one out of every four Americans" that suffers from some form of mental illness. Her best thinkin' coupled with a little dose of bad judgement got her suspended from school yesterday, when one of her former girlfriends "crossed the line!" and Abbie decided to give her a significant "shove" away from the lunch table.
According to the Principal and Ab's version of this incident, it wasn't one-sided. The other girl was indeed attempting to provoke Abbie with what ever she was running her teenage hormonal mouth about. Ab called it, "Talking major crap!" and said the girl "crossed that line where she needed to have her ass kicked! And...she's lucky I didn't beat her ass instead of just pushing her away!"
Ab usually has a lot of patience and self-control with others, except for those of us in her immediate family! So, basically in public, she's on her best behavior. She's not unkind to others, or disrespectful of authority. She's polite, respectful and caring. So, I was somewhat taken aback by her behavior when I received the call from the school. Even the principal expressed his shock at Abbie's reaction calling her a "really good kid!" and apparently the other young lady was known for having some previous suspensions for HER behavior.
So, when Ab got home, we had the "talk" about self-control, the law when it comes to putting ones hands on another person and of course, I did my part with the appropriate parental admonishments, etc. Ab was naturally riding high on adrenaline after the incident and had no problem justifying her actions repeatedly saying that the girl had "crossed the line and needed to have her ass kicked" and she was somewhat proud of her self-control at only "shoving" her!
I was using my best parental and "inmate" type counsel, trying to get her to understand....Who decides when another person crosses the line verbally in a situation like that? I pointed out that it was she who crossed the line, including legally... by getting physical and how ironic it was that the other young lady didn't get suspended for her behavior. Ab was lucky the police weren't called, because apparently Abbie's fingernails caused scratches on the girls chest when she pushed her.
Abbie just had a hard time with letting go of the "judgement" aspect; the part about "crossing the line" continued to be the frequent justification.
I tried another tactic. I said, "Ab, you often cross the line with me, don't you? What if I 'beat your ass' every time you 'crossed the line'? Is your idea of crossing the line, different than mine? Probably. In fact I am sure it is, so you just can't make that judgement in relationships. That's how people get into domestic violence situations because they think it's their right to determine what is....'crossing the line!'"
I'm not sure if I ever was able to influence her best thinkin' but we'll see. Today she's suspended for the entire school day and we'll have another talk about her judgement and thought processes.
I hope I am using my best parental thinking. I must be, because I didn't have the slightest inclination to beat her ass! ;)
Teenage HELL, I'm telling you!
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All I have to say is thank God all my friends are totally crazy.
ReplyDeleteYa, the first thought that went through my mind was, Whew. Its Sarah. Ha. I'm getting the same thing from my 11 year old these days, wanting to be all bad or something. We turned off I-Carly because apparently it started with this "Sam" on the show and how cool she was... and its getting better.
ReplyDeleteI don't envy you! LOL
ReplyDeleteXOXO
It sounds as if the hormones are going strong. I remember a lot of fist fights, shoving, and yelling in high school. All of us did something like that. I got smacked by a girl and hit in the face by a guy. I think that it's the age when people just go off on each other. It's good that you had the talk with her. It's better to walk away than to have to out crazy someone else.
ReplyDeleteI am scared to death after raising this one teen. I have 3 more to go. I will end up being the crazy one. Teens are the devil!
ReplyDeleteLisa, my thoughts are that Al-Anon has widened its purpose to include those who are affected by someone else's addiction. It's original purpose was to help those who are affected by someone else's alcoholism. I can't say how that will affect the fellowship. But I don't think that alcoholism and drug addiction are the same thing.
ReplyDeleteAs for AA, data show that there are more and more members who are drug addicts and alcoholics. I can't comment on how that has affected the AA program; however, I talk with quite a few alcoholics who have concerns about AA losing its focus on alcoholism.
So I suppose that my inclination is that Al-Anon should have its primary focus, as was originally intended, to be on helping the family and friends of alcoholics. And that AA's purpose is to help the alcoholic to overcome not only the physical craving and the mental obsession with alcohol but the spiritual malady as well.
Just keep up the parent-Fu. It'll sink in some day.
ReplyDeleteI was about 40 when the stuff my parents told me finally hit home.
OK... I kind of understand where Abbie is coming from. I probably would have discussed the whole -waiting until the girl was alone as to avoid witnesses- kind of thing. (Just joking. Kind of. :)) I went through similar stuff with Syd when she was in middle school. It's not so much fun when you have to face the principal and the school cop and explain why they shouldn't press charges (fun times). On the plus side, Abbie seems to be a very strong, young woman that doesn't take any crap. There has to be a small part of you that was thinking "right on!" (?) ;)
ReplyDeleteWow - can I ship my oldest out to you for you to give him that talk? I swear you sounded reasonable to me but then again I am no longer a teen ....ugh... teenagers suck.
ReplyDeleteI was definitely the crazy one in any set of grouping. I respectfully say it was nothing more than rebellion..
ReplyDeleteYou handled this well hon. I remember all too many of these scenes with Skye growing up. I was amazed and proud of you for using the domestic abuse example. I once had to go there with Skye, I told her you didn't like seeing the results of that on me did you. Why would you want to be on the other side of that, when it comes to someone else. She still has that fierceness about her, but I think it's more controlled/thought through these days. (Hugs)Indigo
I've been having similar situations with my 7 year old. The hardest part is getting him to understand to keep his hands to himself and that just because someone hits you doesn't mean you have to hit them back. His response is "Well then can I kick him"! Oh I am so not looking forward to the near future. Take care and enjoy your weekend!
ReplyDeleteKatie
Does it help to know that a teenagers brain waves are truly clinically "screwed up"? You just keep throwing the proverbial spaghetti at the wall and eventually some of it sticks. It's a test of who's got the most stamina...,my money is on you! Keep the faith!
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