It Ain't Easy Bein' Me.....

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

A 13 hour drive, straight through to the uppermost point of Northern California gives one a lot of time to ponder and reflect on choices, cause and effect, behavior and perceptions. Double that figure for up and back, couple it with the company of a truly enlightened and consciously mature "adult" as a traveling and conversation partner, and well, you can take some serious self-inventory. I think that was the whole point of the trip, according to the universe -as the planets aligned and the forces of good all joined together to send me and my sometimes irritatingly irrational self on my merry way. Of course, since I always like to think I am in total control of every aspect of my fascinating and often frustrating life......"I" disguised it as a trip to visit my family. Either way, it worked.



The spectacular, natural beauty of the area; sort of like being "one with nature" also has that calming influence when you appreciatively breathe it in as it surrounds you. This photo I snapped of a heavily snow laden Mt. Shasta does not do it justice. It is absolutely breath-taking in person and it will cause you to stop your incessant thinking and take a moment to be in the NOW.

But, I digress.

I recognize that my perceptions of my current world are often clouded by my childish fears, selfishness and obsessions. My Al-Anon sponsor sums it up in a way that my simple mind can understand, like this..... "Alcoholics obsess about alcohol." Codies....well, we often "obsess about people (especially our alcoholics/addicts) places, and things." Fortunately, I totally get the concept that I am not a "victim" of this world and that I must take full responsibility for the way I choose to "see things."

Just because I "get it" doesn't mean that I can always put it into practice. Most of the time I think I am doing rather well, rollin' with the flow and then SPLAT! You know...sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you are the bug. Like a few weeks ago when I had that major emotional car crash....it was akin to ZERO to WTF just hit US? in 90 seconds!

Oh yeah! There was my emotionally crippled vehicle, suddenly spinning out of control; a shocking, blinding impact with devastating and totally unnecessary injuries to both parties. Then I attempted to assess blame on the unsuspecting and innocent 2nd party, and unsuccessfully attempted negotiations to come to what I thought was an entirely reasonable, albeit NON-mutual resolution (after all it IS all about ME, right?) and the requisite conditions and explicit expectations for any or all future contact between the parties. It was MY WAY or THE HIGHWAY!

Then.....there I was driving down the HIGHWAY. "So there!" I said to my stupid childish ego.

Even though I'd nursed my vehicle through about a week of rest and recuperation, it still wasn't operating quite right. I was miserable and still not running anything but my mouth. Clearly, further repairs were needed and it was time to attempt to make amends to the innocent party.

In my current favorite self-help book, A Return to Love authored by Marianne Williamson, she says, "All negativity derives from fear. When someone is angry, they are afraid. When someone is rude, they are afraid. When someone is manipulative, they are afraid. When someone is cruel, they are afraid. There is no fear that love doesn't dissolve. There is no negativity that forgiveness does not transform."

I was truly afraid and insecure when I caused that emotional wreck. Simply I was afraid that I was not getting the love or attention I felt I deserved in the manner in which I felt it should be shown. The screen play I had running through my head was not exactly what I envisioned. I reacted poorly to an innocent comment sent via email-which is always difficult to decipher, despite the fact that love was and is being demonstrated to me routinely in a variety of ways, shapes and forms. In that moment, I chose to react via my fears and muddied perceptions and the outcome was U-G-L-Y.

This recent trip down BOTH the literal and virtual highway gave me the opportunity to focus on my thinking and conscious growth. It was then that I decided to ask for forgiveness for my fear-based behavior from the innocent party. Once again, I was shown the love and understanding I would hope I'd be able to give so completely in return if the situation were reversed.

As Marianne Williamson writes, "God's idea of a "good relationship" and the ego's idea of one are completely different. To the ego, a good relationship is one in which another person basically behaves the way we want them to and never presses our buttons, never violates our comfort zones." (As our friend Syd said so eloquently...that's when the measuring stick comes into play.) Marianne continues, "But if a relationship exists to support our growth, then in many ways it exists to do just those things; force us out of our limited tolerance and inability to love unconditionally. We're not aligned with the Holy Spirit until people can behave in any way they choose to, and our inner peace isn't shaken."

I think the fact that I am now seeing my own neuroses, plus working toward change to love unconditionally, makes this all make perfect sense.

I thank God for this much needed thump on the head and a safe trip to visit with my beloved family.