Keepin' Copies of the Memorandum

“The horror of that moment,” the King said, “I shall never, never forget.” “You will though,” said the Queen, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.”

Lewis Carroll; Through the Looking Glass


In my line of work, the job wasn’t finished until the paperwork was done. We had to document everything and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G, day in and day out. If it wasn’t on paper, basically, it never happened. Documentation of any event was our “proof” and needed for a variety of procedural reasons, including all aspects of the inmate’s incarceration and the disciplinary process. Our pen was mightier than any sword and we knew how to use it! “Write me a memo!” or “Where’s your report?” was uttered more often than any other phrase that I can think of in Corrections.

Having been drawn the written word, whether by reading, creative writing or journaling for the majority of my life, it wasn’t ever hard for me to whip up a report or memorandum on the job, whenever it was required. And of course, we were taught to always keep a copy of our reports just-in-case someone lost our paperwork as it was passed along the bureaucratic pipeline. So, you can imagine the stacks and boxes of paperwork that I have accumulated in my 25 year career.

Maybe some of my co-workers were not as dedicated as I when it came to hanging on to every scrap of paper which colorfully documented a particular moment in my prison “time” but I considered it my life’s story. At the very least, I considered it the story of my utterly fascinating career! Since I worked in a traditionally male dominated career field, my saved reports were documentary evidence that I survived what some thought couldn’t be done and excelled while doing it!

I thought maybe I’d eventually write my life story, or put it all together in a scrapbook. Possibly someday, my great-grandchildren would happen upon the old documents and really trip out that their old granny really held her own in a sea of convicted felons, while just carrying a whistle, radio, handcuffs and a wonderful ink pen! Ahhhh, memories!

This tendency to keep every scrap of paper “just-in-case” spilled over into my personal life as well. It includes stacks and boxes of old letters and birthday cards, receipts, annual planners, savings account passbooks, and modern-day copies of emails, etc.

The most recent thing I added to that stack of personal paperwork was 36 or so pages of email that went back and forth between Fly Boy, Fall Girl and myself over that 2 day period in early September in which we became officially “estranged.”

For the first few days after that situation, I reread the entire exchange, word-by-word-by-horrific-word, over and over again. It was full of blame, full of…..he said, she said, I said, what I did or didn’t do, what they did or didn’t do, what they thought, what I thought, and a play-by-play reenactment of what lead up to the drunken episode involving my 16 year old and everything just beyond.

In addition to rereading it, I took it the stack of paper with me as I met with close friends and told them of the situation. “Look at this!” I’d cry! “Can you believe how horrible this is?” “Would you ever think of doing something like this to someone you supposedly LOVE?” I’d ask.

I was anxiously trying to rally support and comfort from those I knew loved “poor, poor, pitiful me,” but all it did was cause the situation to remain forefront in my mind. Holding on tightly to the “memorandum” of that horrific occasion was making it impossible for me to crawl outta my sickbed, and get on with the business of living. That stack of angry, hurtful words would lay next to me on my bed so I could review it between sobs and feel victimized several times a day. Life as I knew it was over and I had the documentation at hand to prove it!

Then I found Al-Anon! Through their teachings, I realized that I actually had to take responsibility for my part in the situation and admit that I had shortcomings that I needed to work on. I was storing up grievances, perceived slights, indignities and resentments due to my co-dependency issues. I was focusing on others, instead of my self, which added to my feelings of resentment. While it would have been wonderful to place total blame on the alcoholics and addicts in my life; my reactions, inaction(s), attitude and controlling behavior certainly added to my problems with those I love.

With self-control and a change of attitude, and a new focus in life, I’ve realized I don’t want to keep the memos, or the email…. any longer. While straightening up in my room, I found that stack of paper on the floor, where it fell off my bed. I picked it up and put it in the shred pile as I don’t want to dwell on such negativity anymore.

I want to continue to learn to free my mind from painful thoughts and emotions and live the best life I can. Saving a copy of the memo will just allow those painful memories to come to the surface, each time I come across it. So...it's out of here and just to make it official......

Effective immediately: Lisa is no longer saving copies of any memorandums!! And...I am cleaning out the file cabinet!