Just give it to me straight!

"Whoever is out of patience is out of possession of his soul. Men must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others." ~Jonathan Swift



One of the super-cool aspects of acquiring a new and ever-so- needed "family" backbone and following the teachings of Al Anon, is that I can finally speak my truth. I absolutely love the truth!

In most situations now, I can remain as calm as I once did when I was a hostage negotiator...with that "never let 'em see you sweat" attitude that was my mainstay.....back in the day.

Despite the fact that my blog is entitled, "Wearin' My Heart on My Sleeve," It's only been in the past five years or so, that I became able to "share" my feelings...and granted, not always in a healthy way.

When one continues to bite their tongue, or is frantically stuffing down anger, perceived or intentional slights, hurt and disappointments it can eventually rise to the top causing a caustic eruption, not unlike Mount St. Helens or it can sink to the bottom of the wounded soul, pulling you further in to the depths of the abyss. I have roller-coasted between the two extremes for a few years now, without knowing how sick I'd become, until recently.

Thank God I had my AOL journal as alternate means of expressing what was happening in my out-of-control life, because it probably saved a few of those close to me from seeing what could be that really ugly side of me when I finally decided to "let 'em have it!"

However, just for clarification and in my defense, I'd like to say that I was never intentionally cruel to others, rather.....when I did blow my top, I was expressing how I felt in NO uncertain terms and/or maybe setting down some boundaries or providing some much needed expectations...depending on the recipient, of course. I was damn good at it too! I had superb training! Working in a prison for as long as I did, taught me the fine art of providing a pretty dramatic "tightening up" whenever it was necessary!

But....the cold, hard, buried and sometimes slightly distorted truth can be frighteningly appalling to some. And..since it's my nature to be forgiving and understanding, letting by-gones be by-gones with an "Okay, I feel soooooooo much better now now that I've got that off my chest!" attitude, boy was I shocked when I found out that other people were keeping MAJOR scorecards.

I have mentioned in previous entries that we've been somewhat estranged for the past 5 months, due to a situation that ultimately turned into an intervention of sorts, where they elected to place some "distance" between our two families. I respected their wishes and did not make any contact with them, with the exception of a small bit of positive news, via email... like when I had my recent photo published. However, in the last month or so, Fly Boy has reached out via the telephone on occasion and we've had some chatty calls of relative unimportance. But, thankfully I did get to hear my 2 year old grandson's sweet little voice for the first time..in a long time... on Thanksgiving Day when Fly Boy called to wish us a happy holiday. I was in Heaven!

I felt Fly Boy had extended the olive branch, especially when he ended one call with "Don't be a stranger Mom!" to which I said "What?" asking him to repeat it for good measure!

As a result of the contact he initiated, I decided it might be a good idea if we could try once again to resolve the problems that were keeping us from enjoying a somewhat "normal" family relationship and I elected to make a move toward that goal.

So, I made the decision to travel to Nashville and spend the Christmas holiday, by myself in my vacation (condo) home that I bought to be nearby Fly Boy and his family. It's been my out-of-state safe haven, with a beautiful view of the Cumberland River and the icing on the cake is having my family about 15 miles away. Good for me, maybe not so good for them? I used to fly there about every 6-8 weeks until our unfortunate fall out in July.

Anyway, I recently sent an email, informing them of my plans to be in Nashville for 2 weeks, indicating I'd love to see them all, especially my newest grandson who is due to make his entrance into this world just any minute! I really just think that's kind of important. Apparently, they needed some time to mull it over as they still haven't responded to the email.

However, I raised a pretty good son, and he made the obligatory telephone call to wish me a Happy Birthday last night. It was all fun and games until I inquired about the dreaded... ::gasp:: EMAIL!

I could just about hear his head start spinning when he realized I was going THERE! I sweetly asked if they'd received my email about my upcoming trip, to which he replied yes, however they just didn't have time to respond. So....I bravely and very pointedly asked, "Well, will I be able to see you guys and the babies?"

His reply? "Uh...Mom, I can't really make any plans!"

Me: "Fly Boy, I am not asking for any specific plans. I am only asking if I may see you and the kids while I am there. I don't need to be invited to Christmas dinner, or Christmas morning, or any of your family activities. I am going to Tennessee to vacation by myself, I'd just like to see you all while I am there. Even if you limit that visit to 5 whole minutes."

Him: "Mom, I am getting ready to be deployed to Afghanistan and I am about to have a baby so I can't really make any plans."

Me-very calmly: "I am sorry Son, but maybe you have misinterpreted my email and what I am saying here now. You are sounding rather non-committal, when all I am asking for is a yes or no answer. You are holding the ball here. Again, I am just asking IF I will be able to see you all while I am there. It's really just a simple question. Yes or No?"

Him-clearly becoming irritated and frustrated: "Well, Mom..why do you have to cause all this drama? I am telling you that I can't make any plans!"

Me: "Well Son, I am simply asking for a yes or no from you. It sounds to me like you are not able to say NO, if that's the case. You are only saying you can't make any plans! There's no need to put anything in writing or in stone here as we don't even know when the baby is to arrive. So naturally we can't make any plans. But, am I going to be able to see you all, even for 5 minutes while I am there? Yes or NO. Are you saying I can't see my grandchildren or meet that new baby? Are you saying I can't see you when you will be leaving to a war zone once again in a few weeks?"

Him: "Moooommmm! Why are you making this difficult?"

Me: "Let's look at it this way Fly Boy. How about we put the shoe on the other foot for a minute and pretend you are coming to California for 2 weeks before you deploy to Afghanistan. You call me and say, 'Mom, I am coming to California for a couple of weeks, during Christmas vacation! I'd really like to see you while I am there!'

But then I say....'I really can't make any commitments son! I've got some important things going on right now, so really, I can't make any plans!' JUST HOW WOULD THAT FEEL? Wouldn't you think that I was being rather cruel, especially since you were about to be deployed to a WAR? Wouldn't you want to hear...'I can't make any specific plans but certainly I'd love to see you while you're in California. We'll definitely work out something that will work for both of us!"

Arrrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!

And...so it went.

Eventually, he squeaked out a pitiful "Yes" but by then I was almost too tired to make reservations for my flight.

(If this were an Al Anon meeting, I'd stop right here and thank you for letting me "share"! We use that word a lot!)

Right about now, I'd really like to break off a piece of my sturdy new backbone and help him put it in place! ::grin::

God love 'em!