This cartoon from The Far Side, by Gary Larson has always struck me funny because I really used to think of an all powerful, vengeful God as He's depicted here. One that is sitting around saying to himself..."Hmmmm. Let's see...who deserves this piano crashing down on his head today? Oh yeah...there's Joe, that schmuck! He's been a real pain in the patootie lately!"
CRASH!!!
I felt justified in my thinking, considering my bleak childhood, the so-called "Acts of God" people have suffered through and the general multitude of crap that life seems to dish out to us all! God was someone to fear and certainly we were all bound to go HELL anyway, since nobody I knew was ever even close to being perfect. We weren't a particularly religious family, but we did have some exposure to various churches as kids. I really never felt like I belonged in any of them. As a balance however, we were also exposed to the "New Age" beliefs of my maternal grandmother, who was very spiritual and actually pretty progressive in her metaphysical thinking way back when.
About the time my sister was diagnosed with a rare, incurable form of breast cancer at the age of 38, which would kill her shortly after her 39th birthday, I seriously began to question what little faith I had in the God of my understanding. Surely a loving God wouldn't choose such a devastating illness to inflict on my wonderful sister who was a good, loving and devoted mother and wife. I equated HIM with that cartoon...with Kim about to be clobbered by the piano that God held precariously over her head.
Kim had suffered more than her share of heartaches as a kid......being teased mercilessly for a seriously crossed eye and the 5 operations needed to try to straighten it, along with the resulting black eye patches she had to wear, being molested by her step-father, and of course, we were all taken from our mother due to her being deemed "unfit." Maybe I missed that lesson about life not being fair in school, because this death sentence Kim was handed was seriously unfair!! It was about that time that I began my spiral into depression and anxiety attacks.
Having such doubts and a lack of faith, I began reading, searching for answers. I think I changed my mind about God once I read the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner in which he defined God in a way more to my liking, with concepts about the "WHY" that I could more easily accept. In essence, Rabbi Kushner contributes certain incurable diseases or tragic accidents to an element of randomness in the universe, the existence of laws of nature and of course the misuse of human freedom-tragic choices made by us "human" beings. Instead of the all powerful, controlling definition of God, Kushner writes, "The God I believe in does not send us the problem; He gives us strength to cope with the problem" and to over come it. That sorta worked for me, until recently.
I started this post to talk about how my faith in a traditional "GOD" has been wavering and evolving; how I am still in the process of determining the "God of my understanding" as I practice the Al-Anon principles. It's comforting to know even Mother Theresa had her moments of serious doubt too.
All of this came bubbling up as a result of a tragic situation that just happened to a friend of mine the other day. She and her 39 year old husband went to bed that night, and while he was sleeping he suffered what she described as a "seizure" and died! She gave him CPR for 5 minutes before the paramedics arrived, but he was already gone. The medics worked heroically on him for 45 minutes in vain.
The official cause of death has not yet been determined and the autopsy results are pending. Kirsten and Dave were devout Christians. Dave played in a Christian "heavy metal" type band, and they have an 11 year old son. But the worst part...the horrific part, is that Kirsten is fighting for her own life right now as she is smack dab in the middle of her second round of chemotherapy for breast cancer! Dave was a wonderful husband and her best friend! She had to quit her job due to her medical condition. He was the sole support for their family. She's devastated beyond words. Can you imagine how their son is feeling right now? I am sure he's frightened that he may lose his mother now as well.
It's so damn sad. Unfair. Life is so damn unfair.
Dear God.
I so want to believe.
But, right now...it's tough.
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That is awful. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be either of them. I don't know how anyone goes about finding a way to cope in that situation. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jamie
Lisa, I don't pretend to have any answers or rationale, and I, like you have had my own struggles with doubt. I only know that God is closer to your friend and her son right now than we can even imagine and I believe His tears and compassion for them are far greater than any of us humans can imagine.
ReplyDeleteThey and you are in my prayers.
I just presume that a God that is powerful enough to create the universe would also be humble enough to allow for random circumstance, lest he be an overwhelming force against free will.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the book you referenced but the title rings true - bad things do happen to good people. I've had some of that "why me, God?" in my life and it's tough. But I've also had some things happen that defy the laws of nature and human nature and those things restore my faith and belief in God. I believe the whole bible is the inspired word of God. I'm willing to be wrong on that, because by the time I figure out that I'm wrong, my life will have ended. And in this book that I so highly esteem there are some absolute truths that are espoused. One of my favorite is "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose". Without turning this comment into a sermon, I'll point out a few things in that verse that wrap around my heart and give me hope... "ALL things"... not just the things that make sense or the things that I can understand... "work together for good"... Breast cancer - huge ordeal in itself - premature death of a spouse - unbelieveable grief - a child losing his parents - overwhelming and sad. Add those three trials together and you get the most devastating of times that you can imagine. Watch your friend closely. Watch her responses, watch those are responding to her, watch the provision and protection God gives to her. She sounds like one who loves the Lord and is called according to His purpose. I can anticipate a renewed strength in her, a special touch from the Lord and a peace that will defy understanding. I think she is one of the Jobs of our generation and I think she will change many hearts and minds by the responses she has to tragedy. I pray this for her. I pray also that you will be able to reconcile all of this in your heart with a loving God. I recommend that you check out Nancy Guthrie's website about the trials she has faced. It's inspirational. Keep your heart and mind open and you may just see God at work!
ReplyDeleteloving you and appreciating your honesty!
heather
You know I am right there with you, don't you? My thoughts and prayers with you both. I know exactly whereof you speak.
ReplyDeleteTestimony out there, sister.
I do, too. Another prayer flag goes up...
I'm so sorry, Lisa. I cannot imagine how their 11 year old son feels, or how your friend feels. That's a tragedy beyond words. My heart goes out to them.
ReplyDeleteI thought the same thing of Creator in the Native American aspect. He didn't save you, he gave you the tools to save yourself. When I went deaf I lost even that belief for a time. I remember telling Paul, if there is a God he's a cruel S.O.B...I had figured I was well overdue for a little mercy/grace in everything I had endured in my life. 4 years later, there is an eloquent, an ethereal beauty in the silence.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to your friend dear one. It's a tragic loss on any level, let alone in the midst of her own fight. I can't find reasoning in this world why some hurt, suffer more than others. The balance is definitely off kilter. I can however offer prayers on the smoke to lend some beauty, peace to this young boy, to provide the tools to let his mother win this fight. I can only hope and believe in what I can do today...Your in my thoughts dear one. (Hugs)Indigo
I don't think that these things are as God planned or that he wants people to suffer. I believe that God gives us strength to endure and when life brings tragedy into our lives, we can turn to him for comfort and hope.
ReplyDeleteoh god - how tragic - I so want to believe also...
ReplyDeleteOne time I sat in Church and the preacher said, "How many have ever doubted God? Raise your hand".
ReplyDeleteAt least two-thirds of the congregation lifted their hands... and so did the preacher.
Sometimes faith is a decision.
That's tragic. Stories like that tear my heart to bits. :(
ReplyDeleteAlthough I haven't told many people this yet, I've recently started studying Wicca. I've never felt 'in tune' so to speak with conventional religions...especially religions which create demons to keep your beiefs 'in line or else.' I grew up in a very fundamentalist Methodist church...it never felt like home to me.
I literally just got my first Wicca book, so I have no idea if it's something which will suit me or not...but I'll keep you updated. :)
XOXO
A lot of what we look for, we see. I have learned over the years to assume that God is good. (Even when things look bad, very bad.)
ReplyDeleteMy kid's lost their mom when they were 17, 15, and 11. Patti was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (already in the liver) at age 39, but miraculously she survived 5 1/2 years. She died on Christmas Day. Sad.
And if life ended in death with no after life, it would be very, very sad.
In our grief, my family went forward and survived. I was widowed at 45. But... the story goes on...
A few years later, I married a widow. (One year she went from pregnant and married, to miscarried and widowed. Sad, very sad.) But she struggled on, only to discover that God is good. Even when life brings despair. (Now she's a grandma!)
Grief, tears, anger, faith, hope, and perplexity can and do sometimes travel together. Sometimes all you can do is cry. And that's the right thing to do.
Losses and crosses: the gateway to the fraternity of the brokenhearted. And God, who heads the club (he lost a son), becomes the chief consoler.
God is good. And one day, his explanations of the terrible things that happen to good people, will make perfect sense.
(I saw your post this morning and couldn't help risking some words, borne of my grief, to perhaps aid you in yours. I hope they do.)
Don
Sometimes it really sucks being powerless, Randy Pausch said it best I think; "We can't change the cards we are dealt, only how we play the hand". He was a wonderful professor at Carnegie Melon and really inspired me and my mother while she battled her cancer. Randy died last August 29, he left behind a wife, a mother and father and 3 beautiful young children. His message was courage and hope.Listen to his last lecture he gave at Carnegie Melon, I think it will help. I will pray for you and your freind too, it helps also
ReplyDeleteSome days I believe but not always. I feel as if I am constatnly looking for some affirmation that there is a reason and purpose to this existence. I think that I'm supposed to accept it on faith but I don't seem to have enough faith to simply believe. I want explanations for why there is so much pain and suffering in the world. I realize that my words are sort of useless but I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone in your search for answers.
ReplyDeleteI get this place of doubt that your in. I have visited myself! I have always lived a fundamentally Christian life, no complaints, everything always went the way it was supposed to. Married to what I believed at the time was the greatest love of my life, 3 grown children, now 8 grandchildren. My parents lived 5 minutes away as do my 4 brothers and 2 sisters. I even owned my own scrapbook store and worked as a pediatric intensive care nurse. Couldn't ask for more, thanked God for it often and went about my business...loving life! Over the course of two years my husband, my mother, my father, my favorite aunt, my two year old nephew, and my dogs of all things were diagnosed with diseases that were going to take them all away! The irony is that they all left over a period of about 7 months...I learned a lot about myself and the Creator of my soul during this time. First of all I learned that God was closer to me in crisis than at any other time. I could almost see him and knew that every ounce of strength I had was being infused to me on a moment to moment basis. God never said that loving Him or choosing to follow Him would bring peace, love and harmony. What He does say is that "I will never leave you or forsake you". The actual reality to life is that the second we are born we begin the process of dying. Our bodies and our minds were not designed to live eternally, only our souls were. We, especially we women are very in tuned to our feelings for the most part and have a huge tendency to base our reality on our feelings and our emotions. Faith has nothing to do with any of these, it is what it is, and it's really hard sometimes to press on in the face of life. Sometimes we have to be willing to look for God and, it's usually in those times that are the most difficult but, having survived the loss of all of the adults in my life I can say that God truly is all of that and more! Keep an open heart my friend because He knows you better that you know yourself and having created you Himself, He would be the best place to go to for answeres!
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