An unAnniversary.........

This time of year always brings back memories of my beautiful Winter wedding; a lifetime ago. If we were still married, we'd be celebrating our 37th anniversary today!

Thirty-seven YEARS! I can't imagine doing anything for that long. Working in a prison for 25 long years is about as close as I can get to comprehending a "partnership" for almost that length of time. And that my friends, was an accomplishment.

I get pretty nostalgic thinking back to when I was an extremely young, beautiful bride of 17; just about a week short of my 18th birthday. It's amazing to think I was just about a year older than Ab is right now. There I was marrying a handsome, 20 year old man, that I don't think I ever really loved in the 'til death do us part' kind of way. That's sad, but the awful truth.

I know now that I really wasn't "in love" with him at all. In fact, I don't think I even thought I was in love with him at the time, as evidenced by a huge fight we had right before the big day, when I threw my engagement ring in a fit of fury. Probably everyone contributed that episode to pre-wedding jitters.

Was I wanting to call the whole thing off? Probably, but I saw no way out. We'd gone too far. Literally. I was pregnant with a child that I would later lose at about 5 months along in the pregnancy. And...he and I paid for every aspect of the wedding by working and saving our money.

So we got married.

Did I grow to love him? Yes. I found that our enmeshment and love grew stronger with those life lessons that we experienced together in the history of that marriage....starting with the miscarriage, the family gatherings and holidays shared, vacations, the marriages, divorces and deaths in our extended families, then the births of our own children and those kids my siblings had borne into the mix.

I still love him in that heartfelt sense. You know..the kind of love that fills our hearts as we become loving, mature adults. I am a loving person, so he's got a place in my heart as the father of my two oldest children and the grandfather of our grandsons.

But, I didn't marry him for love.....rather... I loved the idea that I was being rescued from a home life that I didn't know how to escape otherwise.

I loved the idea of settling in to raise a family in a manner in which I knew I could do so much better than my less than stellar role models.

I loved the idea that I could be settled in a home and never have to be evicted and lose all of our possessions or live without water, or electricity or heat.

I loved the idea of enough food for each and every person in my household to eat! Now that was a nifty little concept!

I loved the idea of a clean, uncluttered home without 6 people shoved into one bedroom. You know...the basics of a simple life.

So as a young married couple, we had all that and more. We became homeowners and invested in a rental home. Us...landlords! It was amazing!

But, what "we" didn't have was trust and quite a few little other things that make for a strong marriage. He was the jealous type, so he didn't trust ME or anyone around ME for a minute. That jealousy and control was eventually all consuming and suffocating us both. I didn't understand jealousy then and I still don't.

I had trust, because anyone who demonstrated their love in that manner, must really love me, I naively thought. I had trust until it was shattered, once. Then again. Ultimately, it was broken beyond hope of repair on a variety of occasions. I just had to decide on the final "final straw" and get to the point where I could risk leaving the security that I thought he provided.

That day finally came and I felt liberated. I was free of my bonds and anxious to spread my wings and prove to him and everyone else that I could fly in this world. And..I made the life I wanted for myself and my children, without ever remarrying.

It's funny how things change. He didn't stay single long. He married the "other woman" in our relationship. She's extremely jealous and controlling and when she says "JUMP" he says "HOW HIGH HONEY?" And...she's older and kinda ugly. Not that I am bitter. Seriously.

Yes, I've seen it at family functions that she can't avoid, like the kid's graduations, weddings, and the birth of our grand kids. I always get a little perverse pleasure out of seeing the 360 degree change in him as a result of her and her behavior.



How jealous is she you ask? She's so jealous that when my children wanted to cuddle with their daddy during a weekend visit she'd worm her way in and stop it. My children hated her for interfering in their attempts to hug their dad and he didn't have the huevos to stand up to her and tell her to knock it off. It happened over and over again.

So, one day when the kids returned from a visit with him and they were particularly upset at her jealousy and attempts to stop them from having any physical or close contact with their father, I called him on the telephone and let him have it. I told him how upset our children were and how spineless I thought he'd become allowing someone to control him in that manner and I said, "NOW YOU KNOW HOW BAD I HAD IT!"

He replied something that I've never forgotten, saying, "Honey, YOU NEVER had it THIS BAD!!!" I burst out laughing at the absurdity of it all.

And on this important date, which WOULD have been my 37th wedding anniversary I say....

Sometimes single is good!